Making sense of my adventures with women, one disaster at a time.

Character Reference Page

In hopes of providing a better visual to my readers of who my friends/characters are, I have provided brief descriptions of several of my friends most frequently involved in my stories. The celebrity look-alikes loosely resemble their actual appearance. I will be adding more characters to this blog. I just need to find some quality celebrities that I can compare them to. Use this page as a reference for when you feel you need some sort of visual on the people involved. I will not be providing any look-alike pictures of the girls. Check back for updates and additions. Sorry, I did not include a description of me. Although there is a celebrity I resemble, some of my students remind me of it constantly, and if they happened to come across this blog, they would figure things out with ease. It’s just too risky.


In alphabetical order…





Craig Hoffman, Meg’s secret crush on Family Guy



Distinguishable attributes: Light-skinned; Black Spiky hair; 6’1; Build ranges from athletic to heavy depending on whether he has a girlfriend.


Habits: Puffs chest out when he begins to lecture or tell a story. His level of intoxication can be discerned from observing the width his legs separate while walking. During conversation, he occasionally wrings out his arm as if he is wearing a watch and it is too high on his wrist.


Notable sexual experience: While fucking, the room began to smell like shit, so he stopped. After discovering two turds on his bed, she tried to blame it on him. He never called her again. Months later he lifted up his mattress to find two additional desiccated turds.





Turtle from Entourage



Distinguishable attributes: Light-skinned; Short hair; 5’9; Extra baggage.


Habits: Speaks loudly. Does not sit on couches; he flops on them. Walks in short fast strides, head always up. When observing the dance floor, he tilts head up and his eyes become sinister, closing to a sliver.


Notable sexual experience: After pulling out, he tried to cum on her back. He failed. His penis went between her butt cheeks like a hot dog, and his sperm went flying into his eye. He had pink eye for the next three days.






Voodoo, a sleazy Indian pornstar that fucks hot American pornstars



Distinguishable attributes: Dark-skinned; Forward-spiked hair; 5’10; Slender-athletic build.


Habits: While drinking at a bar/club, stirs straw incessantly and bobs head sideways to the music, like a fat kid might do while watching a McDonalds commercial. 


Notable sexual experience: At the Palms in Vegas, met a girl at a club, took her to a semi-crowded casino men’s restroom where they violently fucked in the handicapped stall.








Bruce Willis (subtract 25 years)



Distinguishable attributes: Light-skinned; Bald; 5’9; Athletic build.


Habits: Speaks clearly in short sentences with frequent diminutive pauses between subject and verb. During ruthless intoxication, eyebrows lower, eyes appear sleepy, and sole objective becomes finding tacos. He poops more than the average human being, and is proud of it.


Notable sexual experience: In college, entered an orgy with Axe and two girls. McBride “jack hammered” both girls silly, while the more experienced Axe suffered from whiskey dick and lay on his back unproductively.







Vanilla Ice (subract the poof)



Distinguishable attributes: Light-skinned; Spiky-haired crew cut; mouth always closed; 6’0; Muscular build.


Habits: Spends 80% of his day inside bedroom, the door always closed. While drinking at a bar/club, presses drink against his stomach, his elbow forming a perfect 80-degree angle.


Notable sexual experience: A huge fan of hairy vagina, Meyer was turned off one night when he discovered a completely bald vagina on his chick. The girl could sense his irritation and asked what was bugging him. “You really want to know?” Meyer responded, “I only get turned on by hairy pussies. Sorry.” The girl fled the room in tears.







Ice Man from Top Gun



Distinguishable attributes: Light-skinned; Spiky-haired crew cut; 5’8; Muscular build.


Habits: While walking, arms swoop in slow short 20-degree arcs, and his thumbs always touch his forefinger on both hands as if he were holding a pair of flies by their wings. While intoxicated, he laughs more, but his arms and fingers still behave the same.


Notable sexual experience: While on the phone with his girlfriend, a stray slut walked onto his porch and into his house, her finger to her lips, shushing him. She got on her knees and blew him silly. Punchline was talking with his girlfriend the entire time. 







Michael Cera


Distinguishable attributes: Light-skinned; Short hair; Eyes always wide open; 5’10; Athletic build.


Habits: Bites his lower lip every time he high-fives someone. While drinking at a bar/club, tilts head forward into a severe hunchback position just to take a sip out of his vodka-tonic. 


Notable sexual experience: After bringing two chicks home from a bar, one of the girls demanded he bring a friend over for her. Ron could not find anyone to make the late-night drive. Instead of settling for one of the girls, he got greedy. He went for the threesome. “We could all have fun together,” he said. It backfired. His chick became angry. He masturbated frustratingly after they left.







Ichiro Suzuki



Distinguishable attributes: Tan; Bald; 5’11; Athletic build.


Habits: While sober, talks cordially with his hand held out, palm up. While intoxicated, forehead becomes wrinkly, eyes squint with disdain, tongue swirls around mouth with distinct visibility, and he sends signals of approval using body language, usually a quick nod of the head. 


Notable sexual experience: The time he gave a girl “The Dirty Sanchez.” Just kidding. But that is his lifetime sexual goal. He has convinced me that it will happen. I believe him. 

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