Making sense of my adventures with women, one disaster at a time.

The Salamander II

Posted by on Feb 17th, 2009 in Bars/Nightclubs, Dating/Relationships | 0 comments

Disclaimer: If your pic is in this blog, and you would like me to remove it, send me a message/email, and I will do so immediately. 

I have been asked–mostly by women–of my cognitive process moments before I approach a woman. Why do I hit on some women but not others? Is it a spontaneous decision or deliberate plan? What flashes through my mind the instant I take that step in their direction? 
Despite the protests of prudish women, the dynamics of the male mind varies greatly, particularly at bars. For me, I instantly evaluate girls based on distinct physical criteria. In order of importance:
1) Face
2) Legs
3) Ass
4) Skin
5) Stomach
6) Breasts
Extras:
7a) Eyes
7b) Smile
7c) Posture

 

Evaluation:

Of course, every man would like to find a woman that meets all seven criteria. Unfortunately, most of us aren’t hot or famous enough to pull chicks like that. So, allowances must be made. The criteria a girl must meet depends on the amount of alcohol I have consumed.

Two drinks: At least 4 of 7

Four drinks: At least 3 of 7

Six drinks: At least 2 of 7

Nine drinks or more: [sigh] At least 1 of 7
 
So once again, I have sifted through half of my myspace friends and plucked social pictures of girls who look like the type I run into at OC bars and clubs.

Note: Surfing through profile pictures made me seasick. Somehow, hundreds upon millions of girls apparently agree that a self-taken facial shot with pursed lips of the favorite side of their face results in the most attractive profile picture. It made me want to throw up. I seriously had to take breaks every 30 minutes to keep my sanity. What kind of guy out there is actually looking at these photos saying, “Yes, I would like to get to know her better.” If I ever have a daughter that turns out like this, I will strip her of technology, hand her a suitcase and a notepad, and exile her to Madagascar for a year to live with savages.

Girls, if you are not in this blog, it just means that your main pic didn’t scream “The OC.” So I overlooked your profile. If you have a pic of you in a social setting, attach it as a comment, and I will respond with an appropriate pick-up line. If you made it into this blog, you mysteriously caught my eye.

Again, my lines are simply what works for me. They are not supposed to all be humorous. Some of them may come off as outright lame. But believe me, they work. I only use such lines to create mystique and to separate myself from the sea of douchebags that use the same “I-love-your-eyes” line that every girl has already heard thousands of times on Sex and the City. If a girl gets confused or offended by a line, then I move on. No point in wasting time on them; their confused, egotistical minds probably cockblocks their bodies daily.

  
Here we go…

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Affliction or Ed Hardy?

(To the girl in the middle)

Me: I like your shirt. Is it from Castlevania?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Why is your cell phone so big?

 

Me: Why do you have two fanny packs?

 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: I like your poof. Are you into punk rock?*

(To the girl on the right, pointing to the black line going down her dress)

Me: I’ve never seen that. Is it a zipper or velcro?

 

Me: What’s on your neck? Is that a collar?
 

(To the girl on the left, pointing to dress)

Me: Are those florals or flowers?

(To the girl on the right, pointing to necklace)

Me: I like your necklace. Is it tribal?

 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: So do your nails always match your outfit?

(To the girl second from the left, who, you can easily tell thinks her “good side”
is the left side of her face by the way she is tilting her head)

Me: Where’d you get that dress? Charlotte Russe?*

(To the girl second from the right)

Me: Is that a belt or part of the dress?*

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Is that a captcha on your dress?
 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Is that necklace supposed to go down to your belly button?

(To the girl second from the left)

Me: [Eyeing her hat] So are you a detective or dinosaur hunter?

Me: I like your shirt. Are you a chess player?

(To the girl the right)

Me: Why is your lipstick extra super pink?
 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Why aren’t you cool like your friends and wearing cool shades?

 

(To both of them, pointing to the intestinal thing behind them)

Me: Did you guys know I built this thing?

 

Me: Is that a bustier or a corsett? I can’t tell.

 

Me: [Pointing to graham cracker] I want that.

 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Are those rhinestones or gems?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Why don’t you have cool rhinestones on your jacket, like her?

 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Is your bathing suit white too? I can’t tell.

(To the girl in the middle)

Me: Why are you sipping out of a straw? Are you worried about germs?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: You don’t drink…do you?

 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: I like your hat. Are you a bandit?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Is you hair naturally straight, curly, or permed? I can’t tell.

 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: I like your dress. Is it Alaskan?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: What’s on your finger? Is it a flower or a spider?

 

Me: Are you a hairdresser?*

 

Me: Is your hair purple, maroon, or burgandy? I can’t tell.

 

Me: Be careful. The bouncer told me I wasn’t allowed to double fist.

 

(To either of them)

Me: Why are you wearing glasses? The sun has set.

 

Me: So do you always lurk around corners like this?

 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Is your necklace edible?

(To the girl second from the left)

Me: What are you drinking? Pepsi or Mountain Dew?

(To the girl second from the right)

Me: Why is your belt so high?*

(To the girl on the right)

Me: I like your dress. It reminds me of Christmas wrapping paper.

 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: So is your bra showing on purpose or accident?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Are those rings or buttons? I can’t tell.

 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: I like your shirt. Is it alligator or leopard?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: I like your earrings. Are they bracelets too?

 
 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Why aren’t you drinking a red-bull-vodka, like them?

(To any of the other three)

Me: The last girl I dated never drank her red-bull-vodka with a straw. Can you explain this?

 

Me: Someone in there just took a shit. It wasn’t you…was it?

 

Me: Are those Christmas ornaments or anal beads?

 

(To both of them)

Me: So are your outfits like…inverted? 

 

(To either of them, when the other girl is away)

Me: I saw some other chick wearing that same outfit. Are you biting her style?

 

(To the girl on the left)

[Pass….either a dyke or a guy]

(To either of the other two)

Me: Is that a headband or a sash?

 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: How’d you make your hair so ribbony like that?

(To the girl in the middle)

Me: So was that belt part of the dress, or was it your idea?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: I like your earrings. Are they bears or owls?

 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: I like your shirt. Is it leopard or hyena?

(To the girl in the middle)

Me: Do you have to go potty?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: So whose idea was it to dress your friends in their pathetic devil costume. It wasn’t yours was it?

 

(To both of them)

Me: Same drink, huh? Pretty lame.

 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: I like your pants. Are they bellbottoms or hammer pants?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Uh.

 

(To both of them)

Me: So is that guy one of your boyfriends?

 

Me: Are those stockings or extra high socks? I can’t tell.

 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: So is that a double headband? I’ve never seen one of those.

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Why is your friend wearing a double headband?

 

Oh man. It wouldn’t matter. They’d probably look me over with glazed eyes,
stumble to the left, start laughing, and then dance with each other/me.

Next.

 

Me: So is your favorite animal the peacock?

 

(To the one on the left)

Me: [Eyes transfixed on her hat] Where did you find that?

 

Me: [pointing to sign] I used to have one of those across from my toilet. What about you?

 
 

(To the one in the middle)

Me: Peter Pan or Ariel?

 

Me: [pointing to belt/buckle] So do you need a key to remove that thing?

 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Swimming or Water Polo?

(To the girl in the middle)

Me: Swimming or Water Polo?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Swimming or Water Polo?

 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Is that lingerie or a nightgown?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: I like your strap. Is it supposed to be that triangular?

 
 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Your friend has the same dress as you, but I like your straps more.

(To the girl in the middle)

Me: Your friend has the same dress as you, but I like your straps more.

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Have you seen The Nightmare Before Christmas?

 

Me: So how long did it take to tie your sleeve on?

 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Why isn’t your outfit as gnarly as your friends’?

(To the girl in the middle)

Me: So is there a computer in your belt?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: What’s with the mask? Are you trying to be mysterious?

 

Me: Pfff.

 
* Denotes lines I have used.

Like the original blog, I came up with each line within 10 seconds. The extravagantly dressed girls took a split second, while some of the plain girls took 9-10 seconds.
Our conversations only start with these lines. The majority of them only last three sentences. But some go further. As the conversation progresses, we begin to talk about normal things–interests, jobs, life. The pick-up line is just a way in. And since the process of female fashion–shopping, buying, picking out an outfit, comparing it to their friends, looking in the mirror, changing their minds, picking out a new outfit, comparing it to their friends, looking in the mirror–is a long, strenuous process, what better way to open up a conversation than by making them talk about their outfit? 
 
 

 

My method isn’t flawless. There have been nights I have gone 0 for 30 with these lines. But overall, I use these lines because they are fun and come naturally to me. I have friends who swear I am too outrageous. I have one friend, Polo, who gets laid as much as I do, and he uses simple lines like, “Hi, I just wanted to drop by and introduce myself. I’m Polo.” That’s what comes natural to him, and he has enough personality to carry an interesting conversation, building his attraction level, ultimately leading to sex.
I could never engage in such techniques. I need mystery. I need fun. I need cool reactions. I need belts, headbands, buttons, mermaids, spiders, flowers, straws, straps, shades, fanny packs, rhinestones, graham crackers, checkered hats, detective hats, purple shit, leopards, extra high socks, swimmers, water polo players, and anal beads.
It’s what gets me laid.
 
 

 

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