Dave’s Guide to Online Dating

I’m now in my third year of rampaging through the online dating scene. Though I haven’t met too many girls who were blog-worthy, I’ve learned some valuable lessons these past two years. Before I signed up, I was great at seducing women at bars and clubs, but an infant when it came to dating. In addition to getting laid, one of my goals with this online experiment was to build my coffee/dinner/drinks “first date” experience. While I still have a ways to go before proclaiming expert status on the art of dating, I’ve made significant strides because of my trials. I’ve toyed with all sorts of profile styles to have finally come up with something that works. I’ve learned how to judge girls’ profiles with 95% accuracy. I’ve learned how to “seize” a date without cockblocking myself. And lastly, I’ve now screwed up enough to know what not to do on a date. Having messed up royally on numerous occasions and thus wasting countless hours on this stuff, I’d like to give back to the people—both male and female—so everyone can make their dating life more efficient and less of a headache. My fuck-ups are your gain.

First of all, if you’re single and give a shit about your romantic/sexual interactions and growth, get on an online dating site. Stop making up excuses about money or “it just doesn’t seem natural” and get on one*. Now. I can’t even begin to tell you how many of my friends are worried of what people will think. Guess what: Your male/female acquaintances aren’t judging you if they come across your profile. If they’re seeing it in the first place, they’re in the same boat as you. And if they’re still mocking you, who gives a shit? Let ‘em laugh; it’s their life that probably sucks anyway, not yours.

*I’m actually on two—match.com and plentyoffish—but I should probably be on more at the rate I go through the databases.

Getting started – The Profile

Guys

-Always remember: Unlike at a bar, you are now competing with over a thousand guys “within fifteen miles.” You aren’t that special, and unless you look like Justin Bieber, girls will quickly pass you up if you don’t stand out in every way—pictures, profile, messages. That love-at-first-sight thing only applies in movies—not in real life, and certainly not on a computer screen. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s continue.

You don’t need a million pictures on your page. Four or five is optimal, and make sure you only put up your best pictures. And if you’re thinking, “But I don’t want to deceive her. She should take me as I look at my average best,” I understand; I used to put up two or three average-looking pics of myself and got minimal responses. Chances are, you’re better looking in person anyway. And besides, girls dupe us all the time. We must play their game. One ugly pic can ruin your chances; she’ll move on to the next dime-a-dozen guy. Don’t put up pictures that include other girls. Girls will automatically think you’re a “player”—or at least a wannabe one—and they won’t take a chance on you. If you aren’t a good-looking guy, put up one or two clear pictures resembling you at your prime (nothing older than five years ago—it shows). You’ll get plenty of dates with just that picture. If you have a good body, show it off—once or twice. Anything more, and you’ll only be getting responses from Riverside chicks.

– When I first started, I wrote a bunch of bullshit about walks on the beach and how much I loved to travel, thinking I was genuine and clever. No girls responded to me. Then I switched to a cocky profile where I pretended to be the man who criticized stupid qualities in chicks. It failed. So I adjusted and found a system that worked:

Write nothing about yourself. If she’s reading your profile in the first place, it means she’s already sold on your pictures. You have nowhere to go but down; your literary wit—as awesome as you think it may be—is overkill. Use your “Intro” to write precisely what you find attractive in girls—attitudes, passions, dreams. Keep it lighthearted. Does she like to travel or camp? Do you like girls who make faces? Do you dislike girls who say, “I know, right?” That kind of shit. Mention nothing about body parts. This intro should be no more than a paragraph. Anything more and you’re trying too hard.

Girls

– Most guys aren’t reading a word on your profile, and if he is, it’s only after he’s already messaged you and set up the date—so he can find out if he’s going out with an illiterate psycho or not. You can write an essay about your life story. Or list off what you’re looking for. You can misspell words, disrespect simple grammar rules, write obnoxiously in all CAPS, and basically sound like a foreign mongoloid. It doesn’t matter. As long as you’re hot and don’t write about Jesus, 99% of online guys will claw their way to get a date with you. The only thing that matters are your pics. If you’re ugly, be honest and post pictures of what you actually look like. Don’t worry, there is still a market for you—especially if you have a colossal ass and are into black guys. But if you post glamour shots that miraculously raise you from a 2.5 to an 8, we’ll go on a date with you, but end it after fifteen minutes. You’ll get butt-hurt, lose self-confidence, and rant to one of your undeserving friends who has better things to do with her time than listen to your deceptive virtual self. Lose-lose for everyone. One last thing: Please limit the pictures of your dog to one, maximum. Thanks.

Note: These days, when coming across an attractive girl, I do take a moment to scan her profile. I’ve been out with at least 40 different online women over the past two years, and thinking back on the results, I’ve learned which girls to steer clear from. Back then I didn’t think too much about their profile content because I was just looking to get in their pants. Now days, if I detect something fishy from the get-go, I move on to the next girl. Sure it’s judgmental, but you have to be; why spend your time and money getting to know someone who probably sucks anyway?

Guys, stay away from girls with any of the following red flags in their profile:

-A gargantuan checklist of what they want in a man. There’s a reason they’re still single: Because no guy in the history of Earth has ever met their 48 requirements.

-Face-only pics = She’s fat. If you still haven’t figured out this phenomenon, you deserve a blubbery doom. (Though sadly, I agreed to dates with three of these deceptive girls before finally accepting this fact—and I call myself a man of logic.)

-Glamour-shot-only pics = She’s ugly. If she has nothing but professional, blurry, photoshoppy-looking pictures, she’s hiding something—usually a devastating case of acne along with 30 extra pounds around the thighs and midsection. Plus she’s one of those retarded chicks who thinks she’s a part-time model because her photographer friend snapped a few shots of her not looking at the camera.

-Her username has “Diva,” “Princess,” “Sexy,” or “Classy” in it. She’ll look like Snooky and talk like Paris.

-She’s looking for her “partner in crime.” None of these have turned out well. On one date in particular, I ended it after one drink because she answered all my questions with yes/no answers, didn’t ask me a single good question, and basically sat there like a rotten slab of salmon. Two days later she called me and asked if I wanted to go bowling with her.

-She demands you come up with “something clever” for the first date. This chick has no interests of her own and is lame enough to demand a human tour guide through life. Unless you’re into the missionary position and Grey’s Anatomy, steer clear.

-She’s under the age of 24. I know it’s tempting, but don’t do it—you’d only be contributing to the problem. They waste their money and your time. She’s not on the website to hook up or find a man. She’s here for the attention—nothing more.

-She’s a hairstylist. Trust me—stay away…unless you like migraines and paying for everything.

As far as grammar goes, I’ve gone on dates with girls who didn’t use a single comma or apostrophe in their profiles, and they turned out cool as fuck and great in bed. But I’ve also met some women who were just as dumb as their sloppily written profile implied. Don’t read too much into spelling and grammar—unless she wrote the whole thing in caps, in which case she’s probably a raging feminist.

Messaging

When you’ve found a hottie, message her. DO NOT WINK. When discussing likes and dislikes about the sites, the very first thing every girl tells me is that they won’t even look at a guy’s profile if he winks. Nothing screams wuss boy more than a guy who’s too lazy and dimwitted to muster up a simple email.

When emailing her, keep the email limited to only a few sentences. Always make at least one subtle comment about her profile to insinuate you’ve read it—even though you haven’t. So find something unique about her—either from her pictures, her profile, or side information—and throw it in there. Some examples of mine:

-“Not too sure about the “Go Sox” thing, but I dug your profile anyway. Any crazy plans this week?”

-“Not too sure about that face you’re making in that skydiving pic (What’s that white thing next to your mouth? A loogie?), but I loved the profile. Any crazy plans this week?”

-“I’m still wondering how “Irvine” is classified as one of your hotspots. Must be a misprint ;) Either way, love the profile. Any crazy plans this week?”

-“Finally a girl on here who’s actually smiling in all her pics. Didn’t think it possible ;) Any crazy plans this week?”

-“Finally a girl on here who didn’t write an essay about herself. Didn’t think it possible ;) Any crazy plans this week?”

To older women only:

“So I know I don’t fall into your “seeking men 34-42” thing, BUT…

I wrote this message in the future, and I’m actually like 38.

Love the profile. Any crazy plans this week?”

I’ve tried every possible angle with the messages. These past two months, just to see how simplified it could get, I did a trial run where I sent about 100 girls the impersonal cut-and-pasted message “Love the profile. Any crazy plans this week?” The feedback was at an all time low, so apparently the extra reference to her profile goes a long way.

Note: Messaging chicks is a major pain in the ass. To avoid hanging yourself from your scrotum, I recommend spending, maximum, one day a week (Sundays are optimal) putting in your work—an hour or so—checking out chicks and sending a tidal wave of messages. This should give you a whole week of dealing with their responses. Handle those emails accordingly, and when they’ve settled down and you’ve gone on a couple dates, send another barrage of emails, two weeks later. Keep it going in weighted cycles: Tidal waves of messaging, relax, reply, date. Tidal wave, relax, reply, date, etc.

The second message—not the first—is always the most important. If she responded to your first email, she’s into you. NEVER ask her out on the second message. I used to make this mistake in the beginning and adjusted after the tenth girl ignored my greedy ass. Be patient. Use the second message to tell her how awesome your weekend was (in one sentence—lie if you have to), and then tell her about your upcoming plans. Finish the message by asking her something she seemed passionate about in her profile (Yes, it sucks, but you need to spend a minute reading their profile.). Ex: “So what part of Australia did you visit? I was there last summer.” Or “So you’re from Newport? You better not be one of those chicks who constantly hits up Malarkey’s ;)” Never let the messages go past five (per person). If she’s still requiring “more” after the fifth message, she’s a major weirdo and future flake. Move on.

If she doesn’t reply after your initial message, she’s probably not into you. But there’s still a chance she checked you out, became wishy washy about your looks, and then put you off until later, ultimately forgetting. Send her this message:

“So I’m sure you’ve been busy with work, and that’s why you haven’t gotten back to me. So I’ve prepared some replies to you that you can cut and paste and send back to me.

Reply 1: Yes, trombone69, you are very hot, and unfortunately your email was lost in the sea of dipshits that have been emailing me. But yes, I would love to kick it sometime.

Reply 2: Yes, trombone69, you are very hot, but I’ve been too busy to get back to you. I’ll get back to you in the next couple days.

Reply 3: Yes, trombone69, you are very hot, but I’ve actually met someone from match.com, but he seems kinda lame, so I’ll probably be hitting you up soon.

Reply 4: Yes, trombone69, you are very hot, but you are not my type. Good luck in your search.

Reply 5: I don’t think any of this is funny, I take myself way too seriously, and I actually have to go now because I have a therapy appointment…but yes, you are very hot.”

I actually stole this from a “dating guru” named Adam Armstrong, who may or may not have been the same guy who came up with the “Sex God” texting idea. This single email has gotten more responses and led to more dates than I can even count. Feel free to use it at will, though there’s a good chance the girl you’re messaging has already seen it before thanks to me. Sorry for hogging it.

There is a sad reality to online dating: Seventy percent of the girls who are into you will end up flaking.

Every girl is different. Some girls will tell you what night works, and you can set up the date instantly. These girls are sure things—minimal flakage. Others will express interest and give you their number. But on average, only half of these number-givers ever actually go on dates; they all think we’re rapists. And then there are those who’ll require you to speak with them on the phone because they “need to talk before seeing you.” They won’t take the slightest chance on you if something sounds fishy in an email, text, or phone call. So don’t swing for the fences with your jokes. Play it cool, and if she sounds like a flaky bitch, stop responding to her. She isn’t worth your time.

For the girls who require a phone call, less is always more. Limit the call to five minutes tops. Unless you’re some sort of pro, no sparks will ever fly from a lame-ass phone conversation. Make plans for the date, talk another minute, then invent some excuse about being busy and hang up. I’ve fucked up with several major hotties by trying to build my phone-conversing skills, and I ended up yapping myself out of the date.

One more thing: Once she gives you her number or confirms the date, never message her again. You’ve succeeded; only communicate through texting from now on. Don’t get all giddy and send her some sarcastic encore message like I did all those times. Over-messaging has derailed countless dates for me.

The First Date

Before reading this section, please note that my expertise in this area is short-term—one-night-stands, fuck on the second or third date, fuck buddies, cougars. My lack of long-term relationships in this lifetime speaks for itself. So if you’re out looking for a committed relationship, only soak in the following up to a certain point.

I have learned…

1) Avoid dinner dates. She’s probably not worth the money/company and you can get the same conversation doing something less extravagant. If she requires dinner on the first date, move on. She’s high maintenance and needy. You will never make her happy.

2) Coffee dates are optimal. If she’s cool, you can hang out for however long and suggest going somewhere better after the first hour. If she’s ugly or lame, you can leave within thirty minutes, having spent only five bucks on her.

3) Right there with coffee dates, are the “let’s get a drink” dates. Though slightly more expensive, these also allow you to get in and let things escalate, with the option of bailing if she sucks. The glaring upside with these is that sometimes you’ll hit a jackpot, and she’ll take you back to her place and fuck your brains out (smiley face wink).

4) Never under any circumstances agree to a first date where her friends are present. Unless you’re up to the task of impressing five chicks—two of whom are fat and angry—you’re walking into a minefield.

5) Never mention the word “Mom,” no matter what the context. It’s the trigger word for dependency and desperation.

6) Unless you have some serious experience under your belt, don’t try and be romantic. Avoid quiet, quaint, or soothing places–no matter what stupid-ass advice your female friends gave you. As with any scenario, having other attractive people around–especially female–will make women feel less special, thus making them more attainable and vulnerable. So go somewhere semi-happening, but nowhere too noisy where you have to yell at each other like apes (For those living in Southern California, Yardhouse is the perfect spot for a first date).

7) Kissing on the first date really isn’t a big deal. I’ve gone on to have lovely sexual relationships with either scenarios—kiss or no kiss. If there’s an attraction, it’ll happen soon enough. But if you’re insistent on it, make sure she’s over 24. Most younger girls live by too many rules and still haven’t expunged the “I hope he doesn’t think I’m easy” thing from their embryonic minds. My technique is as follows: I walk her to her car. When we arrive, I let her fiddle with her purse, while I stealthily lean against the adjacent car. I smile at her, not hugely. I get off the car and stay where I am, making her come to me. When she approaches for the goodbye hug, I’ll keep my face even with hers, so it’s up to her to sway. Sometimes I’ll grab her belt and gently pull her in. If she sways, I’ll give her a hug. If she doesn’t turn her head, I begin making out. Note: If you’re on a “let’s get a drink” date, and she’s already on her third or fourth drink, she wants your balls in her mouth. Make out with her at the bar. Easy.

After the first date, you’re on your own. She’s no longer an “online chick.” Treat her as an equal.

Two Years Later

It has now been over two years since my first online date—with the boat-loving 42-year-old. Even though the 40+ chicks I’ve gone out with since then haven’t exactly produced a galactically hot girlfriend (though I did encounter a squirter along the way), they have led to sex with over a dozen very attractive women—two of whom I still see casually on the side. Most importantly, however, this stuff has really strengthened my “long term game.” It is with a heavy heart that I admit the fuck-anything-with-a-vagina era of my life is nearing its end. And it will be in part because of my toils through online dating. I’m finding myself actually enjoying spending time with girls as of late (future blog—I swear it won’t be too depressing). As I enter my thirties, I don’t see the word “marriage” entering my vocabulary anytime soon, let alone “girlfriend.” I do, however, see another tidal wave of match.com messages on the horizon. Time’s a’wastin’…

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Dave’s Guide to Texting

Dave’s Guide to Pick-up