Making sense of my adventures with women, one disaster at a time.

Online Dating- Disaster Cases

Ever since I posted my Guide to Online Dating, I’ve been getting a consistent number of emails from guys asking for profile advice. While I value being seen as a source of help and enlightenment, all of these guys seem to share the same deficiency: Cluelessness. Some of these hopeless cases seemed to know what they were doing, with maybe a couple instances of idiocy on their profile. Most of the profiles presented to me, however, were downright awful. It got to the point where I found myself cutting and pasting the same advice to all the different guys. I’ll still respond to new emails, but in order to avoid redundancy, I decided to write this blog to address some of the problems I’m seeing. I’ll even include actual profile excerpts from three of the guys, who I’ll refer to as Jose, Garrett, and Wayne.

Please note: All of the “sample profiles” I recommend towards the end are not profiles I’ve used. They’re cut and pasted—with a few revisions—from guys who I felt had effective profiles (By the way, looking through guys’ profiles made me feel incredibly homosexual, but I did it for the people.). I did not include my actual profile, only to protect my identity. Also, Jose was kind enough to let me use his pictures. Though I have placed a black stripe over his eyes to keep things professional.

Without further ado, here is the best of the worst of my emailers…

Jose (his profile was essentially the same as the following two guys, so I’ll only post his pics. There was one additional picture, but it was a newspaper clipping with his name everywhere of him winning some bike race, so I left it off.)

Garrett

Who am I?

I am self-employed, operating a manufacturing facility in South Asheville (Arden NC). I like Harleys but am not anal about them.

Whenever I grab my long shirt-sleeves (to put on a jacket) I’m reminded of my mother showing me how.

My stock broker’s the etrade baby.

I get excited when Google changes their Logo.

I clench my butt cheeks before hitting unavoidable potholes on the bike.

I get emotional during Publix commercials.

I like buying event tickets for the elderly couple behind me in line.

I can spell, so writing whole words is no problem.

I’m never a liar or cheat and insist we both play fair (unconditionally).

I’m easily impressed, but more interested in your personality than sporting a trophy girlfriend.

On weekends, I like playing outdoors at the lake or beach, riding the bike, or water skiing (any combination works).

I have a handsome Rottie/Bullmastiff named Bosco who’s a perfect judge of character. If he likes you, I probably will too.

I’m turned on by petite women 32 to 44 with common life experiences. I’m not into fakes, drama, head-games, or wasting time (so be real). Unlike Bosco, I have a soft bite.

BTW- I am 5′ 9 1/2″ and weigh 170lb with no kids. Photos are current.

What I’m doing with my life

Having good times while growing a business. I am goal-orientated, time-conscionable and immersed in my work but always find time for important things like invaluable time shared with family and friends.

I’m really good at

Snoring, singing in the shower, making funny faces, math, and not looking back!

Oh! I’m a Master Cuddler…

The first things people usually notice about me

I’m alpha-male and have all my teeth.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Book-the Holy Bible
Movie-the Rock
TV show-Pinks All Out (also Survivor-but rarely admit to reality shows…)
Music-Rock, Hard Rock, Blues and more…
Food-anything off the grill!

The six things I could never do without

morning coffee, Vance & Hines, popcorn, dental floss (to get popcorn out of teeth) Pandora radio, and God

I spend a lot of time thinking about

…man stuff!

On a typical Friday night I am

…doing practically anything (sometimes, nothing…).

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

Filling the coffee maker makes me want to pee.

I’m looking for

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 32-44
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends

You should message me if

You’re ambitious, and spontaneous.

Wayne

About Me

My name’s Wayne and I’m a fun, laid-back person. I like fast vehicles. Of the two in my pics, I own one. :) I’m new to Austin. My subject line refers to the time I was choosing between an internship in Italy and one in Austin. :)

I travel. I bike. I run. I play volleyball. I seek out adventure. Moms love me and children want to be me. Basically, I’m awesome. :-)

The most fun I ever had was when on a quiet afternoon in an eatery, the waiter brought me food and then said “Sir, do not eat the fish”. That’s a story for later :).


Wayne
“Life is a succession of moments. To live each one is to succeed.”

First Date

would take you on a romantic date to burger king. You can order all the fries and shakes you want. You want a large soda? No problem. A toy with your meal? Girl, you don’t even have to ask. Haha :)

But more likely, we’ll be at a live music show but I’ll be whistling to Top Gun in my head.

Note: he also provided a link to his profile in which he had four pictures displayed—one pic was of him standing microscopically in front of an airplane. Another was of him standing boringly on the beach with a Battleship off in the distance. Then there’s a picture of just his car—he wasn’t even visible. And lastly a picture of two undistinguishable men doing a tandem skydive.

My response(s) to these poor guys…

Jose, Garrett, and Wayne-

That was one of the worst profiles I’ve ever even heard of. Holy crap.

Jose- The pictures need some work. I would only post the last one. Yes, one picture is OK. You’re too serious and unsmiley in the mirror bicycle picture. The one with you standing up high with your friends crowded around makes you look like a 13-year-old. The newspaper pic comes off as desperate, as if  you’re trying to show off (That belongs on your wall, not a dating profile.) The picture of you standing with your bike with the hill behind you makes you look fat. The picture with your parents belongs on your work desk. Putting it on a dating site makes you look like a mama’s boy geek. Only the last picture of you smiling at the marathon I like. You look buff, confident, and cheery—attractive to girls. Only use that picture. It will be enough.

Garrett- Please don’t take offense, but what girl in her right mind would want a guy who SNORES, is “immersed in work,” is a self-proclaimed alpha male (which means you’re probably are a total weenie), is a self-proclaimed cuddler (which means you’re probably a total weenie), and who mentions urination during breakfast time as some sort of joke. I also don’t recommend mentioning God or the Holy Bible unless you’re looking for a religious girl, in which case you need to find a Christian dating website–not POF or OkCupid.

Wayne- Is this supposed to be funny?: “The most fun I ever had was when on a quiet afternoon in an eatery, the waiter brought me food and then said “Sir, do not eat the fish”. That’s a story for later :)” Dude, that is without a doubt the shittiest attempt at humor in the history of literate man. Also, delete all your battleship/airplane/car pictures. Here’s what girls will make of you: This guy is a wannabe Nam veteran, materialistic, boring, and untrustworthy (that’s probably not even him in the skydiving pic). Make sure you only post your FIVE best pictures (if you don’t have five, then post one or two). If you’re not sure which ones are your best, ask a trusted chick’s opinion. Make sure you put at least one picture of you with a group of your buddies to show that you’re socially accepted, and so girls won’t think you’re some loner creep. Also, the Burger King thing was just stupid.

But this is just the beginning of all your disasters. Here is what you three need to do:

1) Delete everything you ever typed.

When girls see a guy who’s trying too hard, they immediately label him as desperate. You do not need to sell yourself. Also, all your jokes fail miserably. I’ve tried the humorous (the good kind) profile approach; it doesn’t work. Trust me. Keep it simple. The less you write, the better.

You don’t need to fill everything out, so leave all the irrelevant stuff blank–favorite tv shows, movies, books etc. Who cares! Girls don’t give a shit about that, so only put that if you plan on being funny about it (dry humor preferably, and if you’re not sure about the joke, that means it sucks. Delete it).

Jose and Garrett- If you’re passionate about riding bikes then you need to write it in a way that is sensual. Don’t just say, “I love riding my Harley. It is my passion.” Shit like this might impress a special ed fourth grader, but real life women will immediately hit the back button.

Check out what this guy wrote: “Few things in life compare to riding my bike through the mountains, feeling the curves of the road with my woman on my back. I consider myself an enthusiast who enjoys the simple things in life, but is always up for random adventures. I know who I am and what I want and am looking for the same in a woman.”

Now, compare this guy’s awesomeness to your feeble gayness. He doesn’t just say things; he paints a powerful picture using cool words like “mountains,” “curves,” “enthusiast,” and “adventures.” Women will go for this dude any day over you two, because he’s, well, a man.
Since most guys feel the need to write about themselves, I’ll give you a couple other ways you can do this and get away with it…

I am outgoing, love the simple things in life, grounded, genuine and try to always make the best out of every situation.

It would be nice to meet someone who is fun, easy-going, has a wicked sense of humor and loves random adventuring.

I am very open-minded, and I don’t judge people based on how they look. Besides, different is interesting.

I know who I am, and I know what I want, so I’m hoping to find people like me who understand themselves and strive for their dreams.

Another good one. It’s short and to the point. Even though you wrote about yourself, it doesn’t come off as trying to sell yourself, so it would be effective. Here is another:

I’ve been on here for only a few months and keep getting the same questions from girls. So I’ll answer them here to save us some time: YES, I have nice shoes, straight teeth, and my parents are still together. If you’d like to know more just ask. But basically, I am an awesome and fun guy looking for the same in a girl. I’m not crazy about one-night stands. I’m also not looking to jump into anything serious right away, but I would definitely consider it with the right girl. Let’s get a drink and see if we click!

If you wanna lose the humor and be a little less risky, then go with:

I am an awesome and fun guy looking for the same in a girl. I’m not crazy about one-night stands. I’m also not looking to jump into anything serious right away, but I would definitely consider it with the right girl. Let’s get a drink and see if we click!

Again, shorter is better. These are just some ideas for you. Feel free to use them.

Sorry for being so harsh, but your profiles were disturbingly bad. I hope my advice was helpful.

-Dave…

After sifting through guys’ profiles, I now see why so girls are so frustrated with men. Nine out of ten guys had shitty profiles with suspect pictures. If you know what you’re doing, you should have a distinct advantage over all these idiots. You can even use them in your favor. For example, lately I haven’t even been reading profiles; I’ve been using this cut-and-pasted message and getting a significant response…

“So as much as I’d like to give you my life story or tell you how awesome your smile is, all my female friends say that’s what all the other guys are doing, which is terribly lame.
So instead, I’ll keep it simple: I know who I am, and I know what I want. Dig your profile. Any crazy plans this week?”

Oh yeah, one last thing: I recently read some online dating statistics and learned that the subject line “How’s it going?” gets the most response. Get on it, and don’t wind up like Jose, Garrett, or Wayne…

  • Lol good post Dave;mde me laugh too.
    Im not a fan of online game(especially Facebook)but it’s good to see you bringing om clarity to this for the AFC’s.

    • None

      “social”kenny, you are a turd.

  • Hoodoo

    Dude I have to say some of your replies work! I have used a few of them and snagged a few dates! Chicks love to laugh and those replies do the job. Thnx bruisedandbatter

  • Crystal Accardo

    OMG. Reading these actually made me a bit ill!

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