In light of the emails I’ve been getting from readers, along with some texts/emails from friends, I have decided to unveil everything about my approach to going out and picking up women. What I am about to write is the result of over a decade of experience, which includes several hundred hook-ups: make-outs, blowjobs, sex, rimjobs. But if I do the math on my number of rejections, it works out like this:
Take away the handful of months I’ve been in relationships, and I’ve been active in “the game” for about ten years. There are just over eight weekend nights—Friday and Saturday—in a given month. Of those nights, along with a random Thursday here and there, it’s safe to say I’ve hit the bar/club/party scene approximately five nights a month for the past ten years. These adventures were full of successes and failures, but let’s focus on my 0-fers. On a normal night out, I’ll get rejected by an average of 12 girls. Multiply 12 by five nights, and you get 60 girls a month that give me weird looks, tell me to fuck off, ignore me altogether, or call me creepy. Sixty girls a month multiplied by 12 months and that’s 720 girls in a year. Multiply that by 10 years, and I’m looking at the daunting figure of 7,200 rejections in my lifetime. And I’d say it’s probably more, but we’ll say 7,200 to be safe.
In his book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell wrote that to become an expert at something, you need 10,000 hours of experience. Because 7,200+ isn’t quite that high—nor do they count as hours—I’m technically not an “expert.” But that doesn’t mean I can’t offer something to all the single men out there wondering how a guy like me is getting chicks. Once again, my fuck-ups are your gain.
My good friend Baba said it best: “Dave, it’s not so much your game that gets you action. You’ve simply learned how to handle rejection.” Before heading out, I have come to accept the fact that I will get turned down by numerous women. I can offer all kinds of clichés about Michael Jordan missing the most shots, and Thomas Edison inventing the light bulb on his twelve-hundredth try, but until you’re able to understand that failure is a good thing, you’ll forever remain another frustrated masturbator.
The venue is almost as important as your mentality. I recommend only going to bars and clubs that have different sections—a hallway, a patio, a dance floor, a bathroom area, and generally a place with lots of corners where you can post up. It doesn’t have to be the biggest joint; it just has to have structure. Handling rejection here is a lot easier—because if you get turned down, you can move on to another area, and your mind has a way of convincing you that no one saw; you’re golden. If you go to those stupid bars that are one huge room (places like San Diego and Europe are unfortunately loaded with these rectangular arenas of flaccid dicks, dry vaginas, and dancing confusion), getting rejected is a huge ordeal because if a girl shoots you down, your mind annoyingly reminds you: “You just got royally shat on, and everybody saw, you loser.” There is a psychology to this one-big-room theory that probably goes back to the caveman days, but that’s just a theory (though I bet cavemen picked up more cave chicks in the woods than in the plains).
I’ve heard the case for a guy’s style going a long way with women, and that’s complete bullshit. If you’re dating her, I can understand having a deep wardrobe and nice shoes, but the rules are different for a basic night out. As long as you don’t look like a medieval Star Trek character, your charisma will override all. If anything, wearing designer shit will raise your chances maybe 4% and give you the benefit of the doubt if she’s on the fence about going home with you. If you’re new at this, yes, go out and get nice clothes to get this 4% boost. Just make sure that you feel comfortable and confident in whatever it is you decide to wear. I’ve worn the wrinkliest outfits known to man and still taken home girls wearing boots with the fur (I still don’t even own an iron).
As for other miscellaneous issues, make sure you always have a condom in your wallet, and always bring gum (and start chewing it after your first or second drink). To avoid accidentally washing excess gum you left in your pants, thus fucking up your pockets along with your roommate’s dryer, I recommend having a couple sticks of gum in one of your wallet slips at all times (and don’t get the squarish chiclet kind; get the black 5-series gum—that shit is so everlastingly scrumptious that one time I passed out with it in my mouth and the next morning it still tasted good).
It’s amazing how many guys go out looking to get laid, yet don’t understand the dynamics of how the night works. They end up getting sloshed by eleven, which results in them slurring gobbledygook to a handful of girls, and then they wonder the next morning what went wrong. Time breaks down as such:
(Note: These times are for California only. +1 hour for Vegas. +3 hours for Europe)
9:00-10:00 p.m.- The place is usually empty, and everyone is sober. If you arrive in this time frame, relax, have a drink, and party with your crew. It’s very important to go through this “social warm-up” with your friends before talking to girls. It heightens your mood and prepares you for more animated interactions when you finally do begin conversing with women. Note: Unless you’re some sort of alcoholic outlier, I don’t recommend drinking until after 9 p.m.—college is over.
10:00-11:15 – The place will be full by eleven, but it’s still too early to start hitting on chicks. If you start talking to them now, you’ll have to hang out with them for over two hours before they’ll actually leave with you—plus they’re still sober and worried about being judged by their monkey-brain friends. Relax, keep drinking, blacklist girls who came with tough guys, and enjoy spending time with your entourage. Let all the douches and dorks hit on girls during this time. This way, when you talk to her later on, your awesomeness looks even more superior. It’s still okay to talk to girls at this point, but just plant seeds. Keep the conversation under three minutes, then high five them and tell them you’ll see them around.
11:15-12:30 – Primetime. This is the peak of the night, and the best window to meet girls, reconvene with any girls you’d talked with earlier, dance (if that’s your thing), get numbers, make out, and take women home. You should not be shitfaced at this point. A powerful buzz is optimal.
12:30-closing – If you’re still 0-fer, you’ve probably blown it, but keep pushing. You never know; new chicks could show up. Either way, it’s perfectly acceptable to be hammered at this point—because there’s always a lurking 45-year-old hag who wants your whiskey dick in her garage.
Let’s say that you, me, and another guy-friend are at a prototypical bar or nightclub—with good structure. We’ve come here knowing that half our time will be spent shooting the shit, the other half talking to girls. Our entourage of three isn’t needy and won’t whine if they get ditched because you’re off talking to chicks; we can all handle ourselves. The guy-girl ratio is a solid 1:1, about 200 girls, 200 guys. Even though they just started blasting Ke$ha’s latest hit, the place is the shit. We’ve been making fun of people for the past hour and a half. The time is currently 11:15. We’re all on our third and fourth drinks and a heroic buzz is dancing through our systems, feeling the music, riding the euphoria of our freedom. It’s time to begin.
Quick note: When I actually approach women, I never carry wingmen—because depending on a wingman to help your game is like bringing your private tutor into class on test day for motivation. They can’t help you; all they can do is sit there and stare. If you want a girl, go after her. Unless the situation blatantly calls for it (her friend wants your friend, or your friend wants her friend etc) the “wingman” actually hurts you in the long run, because before you realize it, you start depending on them for courage. Become a wanderer like me, and you’ll never look back.
The first 0-fer is always the toughest, but once you get that first rejection out of the way, you’ve ignited the engine. Nothing can stop you.
From all my years of people watching at bars and clubs, I’d say that only about 15% of guys actively hit on girls. Another 15% are in committed relationships and are there solely to drink and hang with friends. Then there’s the other 70% who are single and out with their friends, yet have an underlying desire to meet women and munch some serious rug. You can see it in their eyes. Sadly, these guys never even give themselves a chance. They hang around the group all night long, become mesmerized by the gogo dancers, watch sports highlights on the bar TV, talk about depressing topics like work and money, make a couple empty rounds through the bar, and then drunkenly return to their computers to masturbate to lesbian porn, ultimately crashing out, wishing they had abs of steel—as if that’s the problem.
Fuck that. Get out there and make something happen. Get rejected! What I do is I’ll spot a girl standing/sitting by herself, or a girl riding the caboose of her six-chick train snaking through the hallway, and I’ll speak in her ear. It doesn’t matter what you say, just say it clearly. If you need to repeat yourself, you’ve lost your power. Say anything—“Where’d you get those boots?” “Is that a mini cherry hanging from your belly button ring?”* “What’s going on with that necklace?” Anything. She is going to reject you. Who cares? You’re only using her as a tool to spark the fire.
*These were my first words to a super-hottie at the Flamingo pool this last weekend. We partied all day. We fucked later that night. Unfortunately she wasn’t crazy, so I can’t write about her.
When my naïve and inexperienced friends watch me hit on girls, for some reason they always ask me the same question: “What did you say to her?”
Not until the later part of my twenties did I realize that it doesn’t matter what you say, it’s how you say it. The cliché is true. If you talk confidently, like a man in control who doesn’t give a fuck either way of what happens, she’ll respond to you. If you speak like a seventh grader meekly asking out big-titties-Wendy to the dance, she’ll see a guy who feels unworthy, isn’t sure of himself, and has no idea how to please a woman. She’ll politely answer your question and then tell you she needs to find her friends.
But let’s assume you have your confidence, and we’re back at the Ke$ha-blasting bar. You’ve already gotten that first rejection out of the way and are about to wander from your group to talk to girls. But before doing so, picking which girls to hit on is a tricky process. I tend to stay away from girls who are in groups of three or more. Even if your dream girl is a part of that group, steer clear for the time being. Her friends are loaded with all kinds of negative energy—one of the girls is on her period, one is fat and jealous she never gets attention, one is having texting fights with her boyfriend, and one of them wants to get laid but doesn’t yet have a strategy. There are some “experts” I’ve read who have all sorts of techniques involving magic and fabricated mind games in order to engage large groups of girls like this. Fuck that; it’s way too much work.
The best girls to go after are the ones ordering drinks alone, or sitting down alone, or leaning against a post alone (if you’re in Vegas, watch out, most of these alone-girls are hookers). Basically any girl who is by herself gives you the greatest probability of success. She isn’t worried about being judged and is more inclined to be herself. Sometimes there are girls who are a part of a group but are sort of standing out of their circle of friends. Go after them as well. She’s not in the circle because she’s probably sick and tired of all the whining. You are a breath of fresh air in her world of bitchiness. Ask her, “What are your friends arguing about?” Watch her vent.
Again, it doesn’t really matter what you say. If you’re looking for actual examples, check out my picture blog I wrote a couple years ago. Most of the time when I hit on alone-girls, my line is “Why are you standing here trying to act all mysterious?” Other times I’ll simply ask, “Who are you?” Or I’ll find something unique about their outfit and tease her about it. Never compliment her. Leave that to the frustrated masturbators. Real men make fun of women.
The opening line isn’t your make-or-break moment. Whether you can maintain your composure and keep the conversation fun is what matters. I rarely ask a girl her name because that’s what every other nerd is asking her. Names don’t matter until you program her number into your phone.
Some gems I like to ask girls in the middle of a conversation:
“What color are your eyes? Sorry, it’s dark in here.”
- Notice I didn’t tell her I liked her eyes. I’m just asking her the color, making her prove herself to me, as well as showing that I care about details. After she tells me the color, I’ll reply with, “Oh, okay.” (She has to earn her compliments.)
“Did you used to have braces when you were little?”
-This is as close a compliment as she gets. You’re implying that she has nice teeth and a nice smile without actually saying it, yet you still leave her to wonder if you even approve. If you came out and said, “I love your smile,” congratulations, you’ve just been pigeonholed with the other 5,000 guys who told her that. Be original; be mysterious with your questions.
“Is that your natural hair color?”
-This one won’t win any awards, but it again shows you’re paying attention to details other than her tits, ass, and stomach. Girls like guys who notice and care about the little things.
“What’s up with the_______?”
-Whatever is slightly confusing or strange about her outfit/shoes/accessories, comment on it—this can be used as an opener also. Make her defend herself. Make her prove herself to you, not the other way around. And besides, girls enjoy explaining their fashion idiosyncrasies.
“Are you single?”
“Are you married?”
Every other moron is asking if they have a boyfriend, but you’re not like other guys. The single question also has a much more confident vibe than the boyfriend question. Asking her if she’s married is also effective, because chances are she’s not (because you’ve secretly already checked her ring finger), and she’ll be happy to inform you of her status. Plus if she has a boyfriend, the married question gives her the opportunity to hide this from you: “Nope, I’m not married (but I do have a kind-of boyfriend I’m not telling you about).” Immediately after asking this question, grab her left hand and bring it up so you can check for a wedding ring. You’ve now broken the seal to physical contact and hereby opened the door to other advances—hand-holding, waste-grabbing, shoulder-wrapping, butt-slapping, etc.
“How old are you?”
For some reason guys have been brainwashed—by their moms most likely—that this is a bad question. And most girls will even tell guys, “Um, that’s not a question you’re supposed to ask girls.” Yeah, right. It’s one of the best questions you can ask her. One, your positive reaction to her age (always keep the reaction positive) will show her that you approve. And two, you have now communicated the following: You have nothing to prove to her because you are the evaluator, and she is the evaluatee; and she must meet your hidden criteria.
Final Note: Don’t be the one to ask all the questions or you’ll come off as needy no matter how awesome your voice tone and confidence is. After you’ve done your share of question-asking, it’s her turn. She needs to prove herself with her conversation skills, so when you feel the time is right, allow for silence, and look around as if searching for something more interesting. If she’s into you, she’ll ask you a question. If she remains silent and sort of looks the other direction, move on. You aren’t her type; she was just being nice.
You’ve probably noticed that 90% of the time you buy a girl a drink, she’s gone within ten minutes. I’ve learned this the hard way many times, and I still flub up from time to time. This is a tough rule to follow, but an important one: Unless you’ve already made out with her, do NOT buy her a drink. If your drink is empty, don’t put yourself in the situation where you need to buy a new drink with her by your side; you’ll look like an ass if you get a drink solely for yourself. Either make her buy your drink and say you’ll get the next one, or wait ‘til she has to go to the bathroom and sneakily buy yourself a drink when she isn’t looking (if she asks where you got it, tell her a friend got it for you). Let all the desperate fartknockers buy them drinks, but not you. Buying her a drink communicates the following: I am like every other bozo trying to get into your pants, so please accept my drink as a token of my fake generosity. My balls officially belong to you; you own me.
(Note: Disregard this rule for any woman over 40. They’re over playing games and despise cheap men. If they’re talking to you, they’re interested; no need to over-think the situation.)
There are a ton of books out there on body language—none of which I’ve read. If you’re a complete buffoon, go buy one—or just read the following that I’ve learned from countless hours of real experience. It’s simple really: Act disinterested in the beginning; start showing interest 5-10 minutes in, and after that it doesn’t even matter—if she’s still talking to you, she wants you. So when you first approach a girl, do not square your shoulders so you’re completely facing her. She might be squaring hers toward you, but you need to play it like you’re only staying temporarily, and at any second may get bored of her and leave. So keep your body facing away from hers and allow her to wow you with her answers to your absurdly intellectual questions. As the conversation progresses, gradually start to square your shoulders in her direction, but only if she’s earned it.
When either of you is speaking, always hold your eye contact. If her pupils are dilated, she’s attracted to you. If all you see is iris, she probably isn’t digging you, but don’t leave yet; there’s still hope.
Signs of interest:
-She does a double take (when she sees you for the first time).
-She plays with her hair or necklace.
-Her legs are crossed toward you.
-She’s smiling a lot.
-She squeezes/feels your arms, chest, or shoulders (she wants to feel your hot muscles).
-Her shoulders are squared toward you—especially if she’s talking to someone else.
-She slightly sucks in her cheeks and purses her lips together when there’s a chance you might be looking at her.
-While talking with someone else, she frequently glances back at you and plays with her hair that’s in your line of sight.
-She subtly ignores her friends when they leave the area or check to see if she’s “OK.”
-You take her hand; she holds it.
Signs of disinterest:
-She hasn’t asked you a single question.
-Her body isn’t squared toward you.
-Her legs are crossed away from you.
-She continuously glances in every which direction.
-She isn’t smiling at all, or if she is, it’s forced (she’s being nice).
-She “needs to find her friends.”
There are exceptions to everything, but really stay cognizant of the disinterest signals so you don’t waste your time. It always amuses me watching clueless guys hang around girls who obviously aren’t into them, and they sort of hover there like shadows until the poor girls have to lie and tell them they have a boyfriend. If she doesn’t dig you, accept your rejection and move on.
There’s a universal rule when it comes to women: If she’s the initiator—or excitedly welcoming—of any form of sex talk, it means she wants to have sex with you. Maybe not tonight, or the next time she sees you, but it’s on her mind, and she wants to be stuffed by your bratwurst at some point in the near future. Phrases like “We’re not having sex tonight” or “We can’t make out” are all tests. So if she tells you this crap, she’s lying. Agree with her, or tell her you just want to have a drink, and wait it out. She’s testing you because she wants to know if you’re a womanizing sleazebag who sees her as a sex object; or if you’re genuinely there because you enjoy her company. Women are less physical than men, and need to know you have some substance to you.
There are other small tests women will try. For example, sometimes they’ll scan the bar and say, “You are so cute. Let’s see if we can find you a lady tonight.” In which case you respond with, “I don’t want another woman. I’m talking to you.”
Other times, she’ll tell you that she hates it when guys stare at her boobs when they talk to her. To this you respond (no matter how nice her rack is): “I’m not a boob guy. I’m more of a legs and ass guy.” She must meet your criteria.
Tests like these can come at rapid fire. Just remember to be patient with her, don’t move too quickly, and choose carefully when you agree and disagree with her. It takes time, but handling her tests is like learning how to snowboard. Once you have the muscle memory, you have the skill for life.
One of the worst things you can do is meet a girl, develop attraction, talk with her forever, and never make a single move. If you are one of these imbeciles, you are officially a “nice guy.” Time to change your ways.
Within the first ten minutes, you should have played the are-you-single card and brought her hand up to check for a ring. That first contact goes a long way. There are many ways to escalate things after the initial “touch.” One easy way is to dance with her, though I only resort to that if her friends are nearby. Do whatever it takes to get away from cockblockers.
Basically, if you sense her body language is positive toward you, she’s into you. Or if she’s still talking to you and hasn’t yet invented an excuse to ditch you, she probably likes you. At some point, grab her hand and be playful with it, or put your arm around her waist, or simply put your hand on the small of her back while she orders drinks. Depending on the girl, give her butt a nice smack or grab a chunk of hair from the back of her head—underneath and close to the scalp—and give a quick tug (Be careful with this one, and don’t try it until you’ve got some serious experience under your belt). Girls will actually get angry when they’re digging a guy, and he keeps asking her boring questions about work, never making any physical advances. Be a man. Take control.
Quick note: Skipping over the escalation stage is not an option. If you expect to kiss her, you need to have had some form of physical advancement beforehand.
Girls want to hook up just as much, if not more than guys. If she’s still with you, she wants it. Only problem is, it’s up to the guy to make it happen. A cheap way to get it done is on the dance floor. When your face gets close to hers and she doesn’t move, go in for the kiss.
Otherwise, if you’re simply chilling with her at the bar, or hallway, or table, or random corner, my move is as such: While she’s facing me, I’ll take her hand (or both hands) and wrap our hands around her back. Then I’ll pull her in. If her face stays in line with mine, she wants to make out. I move in. Done deal.
You don’t even need to do the hand move. Girls want the guy to take control—because she’s the woman and you’re the man. So if you know she’s into you, just grab her waist, pull her in, and start making out.
As stated in previous blogs, I have other go-to moves as well. Excerpt from Recipe for a Conscience:
“One strategy that has yet to fail me is the post-bathroom kiss. After a bathroom break, either she’ll be waiting or I’ll be waiting. If I’m waiting, I’ll lean mysteriously against a wall, and when she exits the bathroom, I’ll grab her hand, pull her face in close, smile, remain silent, and start kissing her. If she’s waiting, I’ll exit the bathroom, walk up to her, smile, remain silent, and start kissing her. One hundred percent success rate so far.” The reason this method is so effective is because if you’ve done everything right up to this point, then five minutes away from each other in bar/club time is like two days in relationship time. She misses you dearly in that little trickle break and doesn’t want to lose you, so when you see her again (especially if she was the one waiting for you), she’s going to want your tongue down her throat.
Excerpt from Scandinavian Rampage: “There comes a moment in every one-night-stand when you can safely grab a girl by the hand and lead her out without resistance. Often times this window is disguised in the form of ‘Buy me another drink’ or ‘My friends are talking to some guys’ or a pouty face or a swift cock grab.”
There is no way to put this in writing except that you know when you know. If you’ve already gotten her number and have been chatting and making out all night, it’s time for you to do the decision-making for her—since most girls are incapable of such a task.
If it’s a situation where hotels are involved, I’ll ask her, “Do you have any beer in your room?” If it’s a situation where her house is nearby, I’ll ask her, “Do you have any wine at your place?” Other times I’ll simply take her hand, give it a good yank, and say, “Let’s go,” and lead her out—back to my place. As long as you don’t make it obvious that sex is expected, and you don’t make her out to be a whore, they usually follow along. If they resist, then you probably made the move too early; or she just doesn’t do one-nighters. Text her within the next two days and capitalize then.
Everything I’ve written is just a slice of the night scene dynamic. And the only way to get good at this stuff is to get out there and fuck up, over and over and over. You can read every book; you can listen to the best advice, or ask your experienced friends all the questions you like, but until you’re ready to start talking to real life women, you’ll never get anywhere. Before you know it those 0-fers will start to become 1 and 2-fers. It’s not about getting laid either, it’s about making a better life for you. I’ve found that the more I learn about women, the better I am in the dating world, and the more complete of a man I’ll be to my future wife. Most won’t admit it, but girls appreciate a guy who’s been with a lot of women—because he understands them, and more importantly, he knows how to act like a man when the time arises.
It’s a fun ride, the single life. And it seems every day I learn something new about the mystical chasm between man and woman. Off to the bars for another round…