Dave’s Guide to Texting

There was a time when I insisted on talking on the phone, saying what needed to be said, and moving on with my life. Over the last five years, however, I’ve learned that writing almost always possesses more conviction than talk; and girls aren’t about walkie-talkie-like communicating. There is an artistic and literary urge in every human being; and only texting allows for such communicative playfulness women so desperately crave.

Not in a million years did I think typing into a two-and-a-half by five-inch device would surpass the time I spent jerking off—and ultimately become the elixir to women. Texting has turned the ever-evasive bar number into dates and lays; it’s sustained fuck buddies, revived old sex partners, salvaged middling first dates, and bred second chances. It’s restored dormant desires and attraction levels that had been in hibernation for as long as three years. Most importantly, however, texting has strengthened my connections with women, whichever type of relationship that might be.

Of course, none of this could be done without failure. Lots of it. While my texts have led to dates, hook-ups, and sex, they’ve also led to turn-offs, rejections, and aggravation. I’ve ruined my chances with countless women, even pissed a few off. I made adjustments and tried a different approach on the next girl. When that didn’t work, I tried something else. I identified and internalized what yielded a positive outcome and what didn’t. In the end, I was able to refine my texting skills into something tangible. To this day, I’m still refining—because even now, I still make mistakes. But with tens of thousands of sexts stored somewhere in my memory bank, I’ve finally been able to develop a blueprint for success.

 

(Please note: This blog has been in the works for some time now. All of the included conversations are verbatim, saved to a Word document at some point over the past eighteen months. I have only edited some of them for clarity purposes. To women reading this: Much of what is outlined in this blog apply to you as well. Guys appreciate girls who…understand.)

The following is a texting exchange I had with a recently acquired Plenty of Fish phone number (She was very hot).

Me: What’s up Kayla. This is Dave from pof :) What u up to?

Her: Hi Dave. Not much, just relaxing and watching tv. You?

Me: The same. Had a long day. We on for tomorrow?

Her: Oh, sorry to hear that. Yeah :)

Me: Awesome. Only thing is I don’t know any good places in Whittier. You have any hotspots?

Her: Yeah there are lots here. There’s a place called the Havanahh house. We can meet there.

Me: Sounds good. 8:45ish cool with you?

Her: Yeah that’s good

Me: Cool I’ll shoot you a text before I leave :)

Me: Have a good rest of the night. Talk soon ;)

Her: Ok sounds good. Can’t wait! :)

Her: Thanks, you too.

 

I’ll let you predict the outcome:

a)      Date was awesome. So good that we ended up at her place for wild sex.

b)      Date was fun. We kissed next to her car and made plans to hang out two days later. Relationship possibility!

c)      Date was okay, but there was something…off about her.

d)      She flaked.

The correct answer is d. Her text the following day: Hey Dave, I’m sorry but I’m gonna have to cancel :(

So what went wrong?

For starters, this conversation was too predictable and way too robotic. I didn’t make a single attempt to tease, banter, or even converse, which subsequently fizzled her spark, causing her to lose interest and flake.

In analyzing my side of the conversation line by line, my first text was solid. It’s always best to start off with some sort of inside joke to be playful, but our online messages were rather brief, so this “what u up to” thing was the best route.

Note: Unless you’re familiar with the girl (girlfriend, fuck buddy, etc), it’s always wise to write out words–“you” rather than “u” etc. I know it’s stupid, but shortening words comes off as lazy. The little things add up.

Text #2: The same. Had a long day. We on for tomorrow?

Everything went downhill from here. I immediately asked her out on the second message, thus revealing that I didn’t really care about what she was “up to,” and it was all some sleazy ploy to get to the date, and ultimately in her pants. She doesn’t know it yet, but she’s already sniffed out my bullshit. Everything from here on out is dead weight—but we’ll discuss my blunders further.

Text #3: Awesome. Only thing is I don’t know any good places in Whittier. You have any hotspots?

Another abomination. As the guy, I’m supposed to pick the places. Even though I’m more familiar with Hyrule than I am Whittier, I should have done some minimal research and at the very least suggested a place because I “heard it was cool.” Try this approach: Awesome. I hear Chotchkie’s is a good spot. You ever been?

The rest of my texts were good, but because I screwed up these two lines, particularly the we-on-for-tomorrow text, it’s irrelevant. To my defense, I was on a roll with my sexts in the two weeks prior, so I started thinking I was invincible, becoming impatient in the process. And impatient texters always get flaked on.

 

Another conversation under the exact same circumstances (also hot):

(Thursday)

Me: What’s up Valerie. This is Dave from match. What you up to?

Her: What’s up Dave. I’m doing good about to go swim in a bit. Life is good how are you?

Me: Doin good. Got home from work a bit ago. Perfect beach weather right now.. Any plans tonight?

Her: Yeah im going dancing with my girls. You?

Me: Not sure yet, something low key though. One more day of work til the weekend :)

Her: Yeah I just had my weekend, unfortunately I work on real weekends. When are u free?

Me: You had your real weekend? No fair. How bout we get together next time you have your weekend. When’s that? Tuesday?

Her: Yes my weekend starts Tuesday so that would be good for me

Me: K sounds good. Anything crazy going on for you this weekend besides work?

Her: Not much. I usually go up to long beach, I like the music they play. You?

Me: Having a bunch of people over Sunday for a bbq. Long beach? What kind of music they play there?

Her: Hip hop and classic rock, I won’t leave the dance floor with that mix

Me: Lol not into the oc techno hype huh

Her: Yeah I can’t stand techno, it’s just a very long song. Do you dance?

Me: If the music is right, yes of course..

Her: Good. Well I’m going to take a swim. It was nice talking to you. Talk with you later.

Me: Yeah for sure. Talk soon :)

(Saturday)

Me: Heading to long beach tonight?

Her: Yes!! It’s been so crazy at work, I need to get out! What are you doing?

[Bunch of the same banter]

(Sunday)

Her: How was your bbq?

Me: Awesome.. still going actually :) How was your night?

[More banter]

[Eventually] Her: Yeah that works. I kind of have this thing where I like to talk on the phone once before I meet someone so if you get a chance at some point.

Me: Lol yeah I’ll call you tmrw

Her: Ok thank you. After some of my experiences on match they were interesting that’s why the whole phone thing. Not that I think you are.. you know what I mean

Me: Yeah totally..

(Monday)

[I didn’t call her]

9:41 p.m. Her: Hey just wanted to see if you were still down for tomorrow.

(I’ve stated before that all phone conversations—with online girls—should be kept under five minute. These days, however, I’ve stopped calling them. Often nothing is gained from speaking to her before meeting; all you do is give her another opportunity to judge you out of her life. It’s actually way riskier to call them than to blow them off, so I’ll consent to it like I did above, but never text her again. They usually let it slide and agree to the date anyways. But trust your instincts, and if you feel the phone call request is legitimate—and not some judgmental test of hers, then go through with the call.)

So what happened this time?

a) She flaked the next day with the following text: I’m assuming that because you didn’t call me, your voice sounds raspy and gargly. Therefore, you’re ugly and I can’t see you.

b) Date was awful. She looked nothing like her pictures and was 30 pounds overweight.

c) Date was good. We made out afterwards, but she tasted like tomatoes.

d) Date was good. We made out; she tasted good; and two dates later, we fucked.

Answer is d again.

(Before I get into why this exchange was a success, let me first state that when it comes to texting, every girl is different. Some are born flakes, cynics, and time-wasters; and your texts won’t change shit. While with other girls, a Call of Duty geek with the texting literacy of a fifth grader could close a date. The majority of girls, however, Kayla and Valerie included, lie in the middle of the bell curve, where the details can make or break us; and every text matters—hence this blog.)

Notice I started off the conversation with Valerie in the same way I did Kayla. In the second line, however, Any plans tonight is completely different than asking if we’re still on. Asking about her plans doesn’t necessarily imply I’m jumping the gun and asking her out. Depending on how I continue with the convo from here, it can mean I’m just testing to see if her life is exciting.

Me: Not sure yet, something low key though. One more day of work til the weekend :)

Usually when a girl asks if you have plans (and you know she won’t be in them), either invent some fun activity to portray your exciting lifestyle—barbecues (my favorite), friends in town, road trip to San Diego, bachelor party—or just tell her you aren’t sure. Those initial texts were on a Thursday (a work night), and I was actually laying in bed watching Sportscenter, so I decided to save my fun shit for another text—a small risk. “Something low key” isn’t exactly a scene from The Hangover, but it’s safe.

Commenting on the weekend was borderline lame, but I felt I needed to say something uplifting in order to complement my “low key” thing. Also, throwing in the smiley at the end made it textable. More on smileys later :)

Me: You had your real weekend? No fair. How bout we get together next time you have your weekend. When’s that? Tuesday?

Girls hate pushy guys, and impatience oozes out through our texts like pre-cum. This text was effective because I back-handedly catered to her schedule and didn’t force the issue. I sensed Valerie was tight with her work nights, so I accommodated.

The “No fair” is also in the there for a reason. One, it boosts her up—even though she’s a moron for having the wrong fucking weekend off. Two, it simplifies the text. For example, imagine this alternate text:

Me: You had your real weekend? No way. What kind of job do you have that allows for that!? But I guess it kinda sucks you have to work Friday and Saturday :( How bout we get together next time you have your weekend. When’s that? Tuesday?

The three additions turn this text into a literary monster. “No fair” was all it took to communicate all three of those hideous sentences. The simpler the text, the better. By writing unnecessarily long texts, you’re surreptitiously communicating that you’re trying too hard and are way too excited about the possibility of dating her—all major turn-offs. If you constantly find yourself writing complete sentences, you’re doing too much. Texts should mostly consist of quick fragments, one-word confirmations, and half sentences with no subject (but periods, commas, and apostrophes are always to be used in appropriate spots).

Observe the following texts…

Me: Lol not into the oc techno hype huh

Me: If the music is right, yes of course..

Me: Yeah for sure. Talk soon :)

Me: Heading to long beach tonight?

Me: Lol yeah I’ll call you tmrw

Many of the rules of good writing parellel good texting. In the above five texts, there isn’t a single unnecessary word or character. Cut the fat, or she’ll cut you.

Moving on…

Her: Yes my weekend starts Tuesday so that would be good for me

Me: K sounds good. Anything crazy going on for you this weekend besides work?

Now that she has agreed on the date, I didn’t stop there. I continued with the conversation for a few more texts to communicate that my goal isn’t simply to “land the date,” but rather that I’m actually interested in her world. I’ve learned the hard way that these extra post-close texts (with new girls only) go a long way—even if it means having to lie about “dancing if the music is right,” which was her test to see if I was good in bed (Never tell a new girl that you dislike dancing. Wait ‘til after you’ve slept with them.).

 

Timing

Not mentioned in the above exchanges is the timing between messages. Always return your texts close to the rate at which she’s returning yours. For example, if you text her and it takes her anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes to get back to you, you have to wait at least 10-15 minutes before texting her back. If you text her right away she’ll think you’re some sappy chump who watches Glee with nothing better to do than sit around and wait for her text. Girls always assume the worst when it comes to texts (as do guys), so be patient; if she hasn’t texted you back, relax—she’s probably busy fiddling with her eyebrows; she’ll hit you up eventually.

If she’s one of those quick-texters who are always responding within the minute, it becomes okay to return-text her IM-like. But switch it up from time to time; throw in a delay here or there so she can ponder your whereabouts—even though you’re sprawled on the couch eating Flaming Hot Cheetohs. Make her sweat and second guess herself—be a challenge. If she sends a dull or needy text, just ignore her altogether. Often times the best text is no text.She’ll eventually realize her lameness and message you again.

E.G.

…Her: I know, I love that place. What you up to this weekend?

[three minute wait] Me: Some friends in town. Not sure what the plan is yet. You?

Her: I dunno, my married friends want to go dancing Friday. Saturday I may have to baby-sit.

[I didn’t respond]

An hour later…

Her: I can probably get out of baby-sitting. Were you going out with your friends Saturday?

Me not responding communicated that I was moving on to more exciting things (other women). Instead of hanging with me, she decided to spend her time dancing and babysitting? Ignore her; she’ll be back.

 

Smiley Faces

Texting without smiley faces is like a movie with no music. Smileys are the staple of all fun and playfulness in every form of messaging—emails, texts, IM, Facebook chat, Words With Friends chat. Everything. They shouldn’t be used in every text, but they must be a part of your repertoire.

There are three kinds of smileys: smileys :), frownies :( or :/ (bummed face – same thing), and smiley face winks ;) (Smileys don’t need noses (hyphens)—just eyes and a mouth.) Smileys are given for pleasantries and to portray excitement. The best use for them, however, is for goodbyes. When a girl says any form of farewell—“good night,” “have a great day!” “ttyl,” “see you soon”—my return text is a lone smiley face. That’s it. Saying “you too” is too boring and predictable. A simple smiley is all it takes to end the convo on a positive note.

(Update: Since I wrote this blog in 2012, emojis have now overtaken the smiley-face world. Emojis can be fun, but follow the woman’s lead. If she uses them, you have the green light. If she’s not, refrain for the time being until she opens up. Some women think emojis make a man come off as feminine, so feel her out first.)

Frownies are to be given when sarcastically communicating that you’re in a strange situation—heading to the dentist, tired from a long weekend, hungover, feeling sick, the person standing in front of you just farted, etc. Also post frownies to show sympathy for her when she whines about something.

Ex:

Her: I’m hungry and no one will feed me!!!

Me: :( I just ate Chipotle. You missed out :)

Smiley face winks on the other hand, are the most potent thing any texter can ever use. Winks single-handedly elucidate flirting; they distinguish voice tone, clarifying the line between serious and sarcasm; and they bolster sexuality with unsequestered grace. They can be used with any girl—new, dating, girlfriend, long lost fling, or fuck buddy (though the longer you’re with the girl, the less necessary they become). But they must be placed strategically. In the above exchanges, I never used a single smiley face wink because the conversations never took a route where it became necessary. One must not dish these out carelessly; they are only to be used in appropriate spots or they’ll become cheap and lose their power.

Some recent examples that are in my phone at the moment:

-Upon receiving the final text of a long convo in which the girl said she’d text me tomorrow. The wink here communicates sarcasm and flirting.

Me: You better ;) K have a good night..

 

-Upon receiving a text from one of my illiterate fuck buddies who incorrectly said “your.” Again sarcasm and flirting.

Me: You’re* ;)

 

-Upon hearing that she was cooking. The wink initiates playfulness.

Me: Oh yeah? What are you cooking? Green bean casserole? ;)

 

-Upon joking with her that I was flying out to see her, to which she replied “Really???” The wink in this case is purely sexual.

Me: If I can stay w you, maybe ;)

 

Without the wink, all these texts fall flat.

To hammer this point home, here is an old wink-infested convo I had with a girl I brought home after blacking out at bars (I literally woke up and found this petite blonde hottie with fakies—fully-clothed—laying in my bed. No recollection whatsoever. I immediately tried making a move, but she was self-conscious about her morning breath and pushed me off. I took her to breakfast to try and piece together the night…and figure out who the hell she was. Then I dropped her off at her car a few blocks down. Two hours later, she texted me.)

Her: oh man hot tub sounds soooo good right now ;)

Me: Lol do you have one?

Her: heck yes…might have to make my way there later

Me: I’m jumping in w you ;) how does your butt feel? (she had whined earlier about ass cramps or something)

Her: LOL it hurts still but I’ll live ;)

Me: Ima take a dump but let’s hang later..

Her: Good call! K ttyl ;)

(2-3 hours later. And just kidding about the dump thing. I actually said nap.)

Me: You overslept, I can tell ;)

Her: OMG I feel sooooo much better!

Me: Same here. Awesome beach day today. You should come..

A couple hours later, she was back in my bed, naked this time. Unfortunately her vagina smelled like freshly cut toenails (a first).

Had I not thrown in the winks, would she have had the same anticipation? Perhaps. But with our sexual energy still fuming from last night, every wink fired a surge of electricity through her womanhood. I certainly had a legitimate semi after that convo.

Quick Note: Anytime a girl says something daring—hot tub sounds good right now—or something that is meant as a joke (however lame it might be), you have to throw in a “Lol” at the beginning of your response. To be an effective texter, you have to be an active listener, and “Lol” has to be in there—to make them feel as if they’re funny and entertaining.

Notice my final text: Same here. Awesome beach day today. You should come…

As mundane as it sounds, had I botched this last text, the entire exchange could have crumbled. One lame text can ruin everything.

For example, imagine if I had texted something like, “I know me too! What are you up to right now? Do you wanna come over?”

She may still have hung out, but by sounding overly excited and putting her in the power seat, I’ve exposed that I’m unsure of myself and that I’m basing my day and schedule on her. Tell. Don’t ask.This shit adds up, and in the long run all these weenie texts become embedded in her memory like parking tickets and will ultimately affect her decision of whether to hook up. He’s kinda cool, but…I dunno.

Tread carefully as the conversation comes to an end. You’ve probably picked up some momentum during the course of the convo, and it’s easy to become cocky with your closing-texts, fucking up the ones that matter most. Compare the following “asking-out” texts:

Guy 1:

-“Would you want to get a drink sometime?”

-“Do you wanna kick it tmrw? How’s 8?”

-“Wanna hang out?”

-“I’m hungry. Wanna get some food?”

-“I need new pants. Can you help me shop?”

 

Guy 2:

-“I got a bunch of crap tonight, but free tmrw. Let’s get a drink..”

-“I’m free after 8. Let’s get together..”

-“I’m hungry. Come eat with me..”

-“I gotta do some shopping. You should come..”

-“We’re partying over here. You should come..”

 

Both these guys are communicating the same things, but Guy 1 is clearly in a place of weakness, while Guy 2 is in control of the situation and himself. For one, never say the word “need,” “help,” “want,” or “wanna” in any text. To a girl, these are trigger words for neediness and dependency. Chicks want to be told what to do; they want MEN to make the decisions. You decide when is good to hang out. You pick the place. You decide whether to get a table inside or outside. You decide EVERYTHING. Girls actually resent guys who put all the decision-making on them. Also, think what is implied by saying “You should come..” as opposed to “Do you want to cruise over?” Telling her she “should come” implies that you don’t care if she does or not because you are independent and can have fun without her. You are simply inviting her into your fascinating world—even if it’s just a facade. Women want men with a life. They don’t want to be put on a pedestal, and they don’t want to be depended on for fun.

Lastly, notice the “..” at the end of all Guy 2’s texts. This dot dot (always use two dots, not three) thing is a simple way of communicating that you are expecting a reply without using a needy question mark.

 

Bar Numbers

Phone numbers attained from a bar or club chick are about as promising as trying to win the $10,000 sweepstakes on a Starburst wrapper (It’s actually more like 1 in 6, but it feels a lot worse.). Don’t expect much from these, but they’re still worth a shot.

I always get the number within the first five minutes (and don’t ask for the number; get the number), and then continue talking to her so she sees that the phone number wasn’t my goal. I’ll pull out my phone, say, “Let me get your number,” and then I call her so she has mine (You’d be surprised how many fresh girls will call you at 2:15 in the morning that same night for a Plan-Z hook-up.)

You have one shot of turning this bar number into a future date or fuck. And it must be done within 24 hours of getting the number—so basically the next day. I know it sounds too soon and borderline needy, but I’ve tried every time frame, and this is the best. After that first day, you are no longer fresh in her mind and your chances drop exponentially—though there are always exceptions.

Your first text must never be a generic re-introduction: Hey it’s so-and-so from last night. How are you? Lame. If you had spoken with her for more than ten minutes, you should have at least one subtle inside joke by now. If not, think of a topic that made her laugh or smile and revive those feelings of positive energy. Some “first-text” examples of mine:

– Green apples are so good ;)

– I am so much better at crossfit than you ;)

– Are you sure you didn’t strike out at your softball game? ;)

– Vodka-sodas are so deceiving ;)

– Your friend’s dress had the hugest rip in it ;)

These were all inside jokes I gave life to in the ten-plus minutes we’d spoken/made out. Remember, you’re not trying to impress her on the first text. You’re simply opening the doors to something fun, playful, and mysterious. The majority of them won’t even text you back (get used it), but some do. If she doesn’t remember you and pulls a “Who is this?” then throw some hints her way: Psh I’ll give you a hint: I can kick your butt at golf ;) Be a challenge; turn it into a game if it appears she’s looking for one. Even though most girls hand out their real number for ego purposes, there are some girls who genuinely took an interest in you at the time. It’s your job to rejuvenate those feelings of attraction. Keep teasing her until eventually she starts asking you questions. Once that happens, you’ve semi-succeeded. It’s time for an “ask-out” text as mentioned before.

Note: When asking out these bar girls, always shoot for the soonest time possible—“tonight” or “tomorrow”—all the while maintaining that you’re busy “later in the week” (to show her you have a life). “Next weekend” is way too far away; the longer it goes, the creepier you get. She’ll flake.

Lastly, if your next-day texts with that bar/club chick—or any previous fling—were falling flat, add her on facebook or instagram. It can’t hurt—she has a chance to check out your stunning looks again, and it opens the door to the almighty yet less-intrusive facebook chat. Capitalize when the timing’s right.

 

Second Chances

We’ve all had those girls that slipped through our fingers, or the timing wasn’t right, or the date went awry, or we just outright blew it. Some can be saved, some can’t. But if you’re looking to revive things, texting (and facebook/instagram if you still haven’t added her yet) is your best hope. Remember, she’s been out of your life for a while now, so you have nothing to lose. Sometimes I’ll text them out of the blue with one of following movie quotes:

-How are we supposed to teach children to read when they can’t even fit into the building.

-I have all your equipment in my locker. You should probably come get it cuz I can’t fit my numchucks in there anymore.

-I can’t believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We’re looking up money laundering in a dictionary.

First off, if you don’t know what movies they’re from, there is no hope for you. Second, these can actually be used for almost any situation involving neglect. It doesn’t matter what type of relationship you had—new, old, whatever. Some won’t respond at all; some will say “Who is this?” in which case you play the hint game; and some will text “hahahahaha” and piggy back off the quote. Salvage what you can and give her a hard time for being “so crappy at cell phones.” She’ll usually make up some junk about being busy and begin to banter with you. Chances are she’s lonely as hell, discouraged with all the awkward guys she’s been meeting on eharmony. In her frustrating dating/sex life, your novelty is like a fresh spray of Cherry Blossom.

Here’s one exchange between a match.com girl I went on a date with; she then ignored my texts in the days that followed. Two weeks later, I gave it another whirl:

Me: Hey haven’t heard back from you in a while, so I’m assuming your phone has fallen out of a helicopter. Hit me back when you find it ;)

Three minutes later…

Her: Hahahahaa I know sorry. I’ve just been soooo busy! What are you doing?

Me: [I attached a super hot selfie of me eating at a sushi table—a couple friends in the background—I had taken weeks earlier to send to a different girl] Eating sushi with some friends. So yummy. You jealous?

Her: I am! You should order a California roll :) How have you been?

Me: Doing good, of course :) I may be moving to Newport next month.. Stoked… You?

Her: I’m good. Newport??? I’m so jello. What are your plans this weekend?

Me: May head to San Diego for a friend’s bday. Not sure yet. What about you? Hitting up another art gallery?

Her: LOL! Nooo not this weekend. Well let me know if you go to SD. If not let’s hang out :)

I dated this girl for close to a month following this exchange, but she became whiny and clingy—among other things—so I ended it before a Vegas weekend. Also, the helicopter lifeline is one of my most dependable. Girls usually always respond. Use it at will.

As for the “super hot picture,” this is probably the most underrated move in the texting business. I don’t do it enough—mostly because I lost that sushi pic when I switched to the Driod and have been too lazy to take another. Basically take a selfie of yourself in a semi-social setting—sushi, bbq, group lunch/dinner—and make sure it’s your hottest pic ever (there must be food somewhere in the corner of the photo to hedge your bullshit). It took me three snaps to get the one I wanted, but once I had it, it became my most prevailing card in the deck. Throw it in when she asks what you’re doing as demonstrated in the convo above.

 

Fuck Buddies

In all my writing and experiences, I still cannot say I’ve come remotely close to understanding women. But I can say one thing about them: they’ll always embrace a good challenge. It is our job as men to be the source of this fearless entity, constantly maintaining our ground and mystique. So easily we forget.

An exchange with an old fuck buddy after bantering all week about hanging out:

Me: Hey we still on for tonight?

Her: Yep yep.. 7:30 right?

Me: Awesome. See you soon ;)

15 minutes later, after more banter…

Her: Make sure you clean your room! Don’t be lazy

Me: Lol don’t worry. I’ll surprise you..

Silence followed. Then thirty minutes later…

Her: You’re gonna kill me. I can’t make it tonight. Patrick (her son) is puking everywhere. I need to stay home with him. So sorry. Maybe tomorrow…

I didn’t see her again for over a month. We had screwed like sixty times, had texted each other over fifty times in the two days prior, yet suddenly I had turned her off on the 55th text, causing to her fabricate some shit about her son being sick.

So what happened? It’s simple—I fell into her trap:

Her: Make sure you clean your room! Don’t be lazy

Me: Lol don’t worry. I’ll surprise you.

Her “clean your room” thing was a test to see if I’d roll over for her. The funny thing is, she didn’t even know she was testing me; it’s simply in the female genetics to do this to men to make sure we have a backbone, and most importantly, aren’t just looking for sex. Me complying to clean my room communicated that I expected to end up there—with her. Had I turned it around and busted her balls, she would have come over.

What I should have said:

Me: Lol who says you’re gonna see my room? ;)

Fifty good texts keep the boat afloat. One bad one sinks it.

Not all fuck buddies are so fickle, just make sure you don’t fuck up like I did and break one of the two cardinal rules: expecting sex, and making them out to be a whore.

Observe the following exchange initiated by a different girl:

Her: Hey dork what you got going on tonight?

Me: Workout in a bit then not sure later. You?

Her: Just finished my workout. Get with it. You’re so slow pssh… doin nothing right now.

Me: Dumb. Can you drive yet? (she recently got a DUI)

Her: Technically no, but if I’m not driving around all night places I’m fine. I drive really slooow at night

Me: K come over 9ish

Her: K

We had actually texted each other earlier in the day but I had purposely never mentioned anything about “tonight.” One of my tactics is I’ll try and get them to ask me out. I’ll tease them sometime in the morning or afternoon, then right when things are getting hot and they sense I’m about to ask them out, I’ll simply stop texting them (works great for facebook chat as well—end the conversation on a high note, and don’t ask them out). Fishing for a date or fuck is what they’re expecting, so take the opposite route—welcome the silence, and wait it out. They usually come back.

Note: Since I had slept with this particular girl just a week earlier, throwing in a smiley face at any point during this convo would have been cheesy. When it’s obvious she wants sex, there’s no need to get cute. Just get to the point and tell them when to come over for “a hang out” or “a drink” or “din din.” The sex, however, must always go unspoken.

Also, I’ve received a few emails from guys asking for tips on how to turn a girl you’re dating–and don’t really like, but wouldn’t mind banging a couple times a month–into a fuck buddy. It’s simple really: Text them less and less, until finally you’re at the point where you’re only texting her once a week. She’ll get the point, and if she’s down with it, she’ll agree to see you again. The texts don’t even have to be about logistics. Just make sure to keep her on the Bunsen burner (Words With Friends is perfect for this). Every so often send them a teasing text, crack a couple jokes, put in your work, then go another seven days without texting her. When you feel like seeing her again, text her accordingly and set it up.

 

Flaking

I almost put this section in my Guide to Pick-up, but I figure it has slightly more relevance here. It’s simple really: most women are flakes. But most of the time (with chicks you’ve already hooked up with in particular), it’s not their fault. It’s ours. If you’ve set up a time to hang out and then suddenly they pull some bullshit excuse on you, it’s probably because somewhere along the way you fucked up–either through poor texting, not enough texting, an awkward phone call or voicemail, a shady facebook picture. Something.

So how do we deal with this? Coming from a guy who’s been flaked on hundreds of times, I’ve been toiling with this issue for years. And as simple as it sounds, the best way to react to a flaking text is to go along with their excuse–even if you’re 100% sure she’s lying. If she says her son is sick, tell her you hope he gets better. If she says she was tired and passed out early, tell her no worries, get some rest. If she says she has to work, tell her that sucks, maybe another time. Giving her a guilt trip or getting angry or ignoring her altogether shows you’re desperate and care way too much. Also, don’t try and push the issue and come up with ways to make it work. There’s nothing you can do to unflake her. By being cool about things, you’re communicating that you don’t need her and have options. Not only that, but it keeps your relationship positive, and she knows she can hit you up when the timing’s better without receiving a spiteful backlash.

 

Miscellaneous

-The following are strictly for girls’ use: lmfao, hehe, tee he he, rotfl, omfg, j/k. The only acronyms acceptable for guys are lol, omg, and wtf.

-Never replace words with numbers: I’m going 2 the store 4 beer. No.

-If she hasn’t returned your text, never send a follow-up text—especially one asking if she got your last text. Yes, she did—now stop thinking about it so much. Either she isn’t digging you, or she’s legitimately busy. Move on; she’ll text you when she texts you.

-Don’t include her in any group texts. No one likes those people.

-Unless she’s in the bottom 25% of your phone chicks you give a shit about, don’t drunk text. Though it’s pointless to even tell you this, because I break this rule all the time, and it’s my own rule.

-As your texting relationship builds, come up with teasing nicknames for her. “Lame ass” is my favorite (girls hate being called lame).

-If she enters PMS/psycho mode and starts calling you a player/dick/asshole, do not text her back. Wait until she texts you something normal, then respond.

-When making plans to hang out, if she ever says “maybe,” “possibly,” “probably,” “I think,” “we’ll see,” “will do,” or “I’ll try” anywhere in the sentence, it means she either doesn’t want to hang out, or plans on flaking. Time to ignore her; eventually she’ll become aroused by your new facebook pictures and hit you up.

 

Final Thoughts

Let me reiterate once more that writing almost always possesses more conviction than talk. And for those who suck at texting and are not attaining their desired results, I encourage you to stop being so close-minded, test out new approaches, and at least try to understand that texting is a huge resource that can work for ANYONE–deep voice, high voice, masculine, metrosexual, good-looking, average-looking, Urkel, Tommy Lee–as long as you know what you’re doing.

Every guy should play to their strengths. While I’m good at talking on the phone, I feel my chances are higher through text messaging. It’s all about increasing your probability with each girl, and making constant assessments. I’ve had multiple girls tell me that they’d “never date a guy who asked them out through texts,” then three weeks later they’re semi-serious. Don’t believe a word out of a bitching chick’s mouth. If your in-person game is at least average, texting has the power to enhance your level of attraction and bring women into your life. The only problem with talking on the phone is that if you have average game, you still have average (or even less) game when talking on the phone. Via texting, however, you can actually go from average to superior and the chick will want to date and fuck you, and she won’t even know why. I’ve had women literally tell me: “I don’t even know why I like you.” And I owe a lot of it to texting.

One more time: Writing almost always possesses more conviction than talk.

Do you think I’d be able communicate this blog through talking? No way (and I’m a high school teacher, and I talk for a living).

But through writing, everything is smooth, and people often crave more.

As do chicks–if you text them correctly…

 

Related articles:

Dave’s Guide to Online Dating

Dave’s Approach to Pick-up