Making sense of my adventures with women, one disaster at a time.

The Salamander (Pick-up Lines)

One of my favorite parts of teaching isn’t so much the cliche shit like, “I wanna change the world” or “I enjoy helping people” or “I love kids.” Although that is a big reason I became a teacher, I’ve found that my favorite part of teaching is seeing the reactions my students make when they hear a lame joke or strange noise, or when they see a bizarre picture or unusual object, or the way their face lights up when they finally get a tough concept. It’s quite a thrill for me and brings entertainment to my profession every day.


During my fourth year in college, I attended a formal dance with my fraternity. During a pre-party in someone’s hotel room, my buddy’s date looked miserable. Her eyes drooped, her shoulders slouched, and her mouth lazily hung open with her tongue half out. So I did the obvious. I sat across from her and made the exact face she was making, only mine was over-embellished–my eyes rolled up into my head, I slouched an extra 30 degrees, and I excessively stuck out my tongue. She looked at me and didn’t even crack a smile. She rolled her eyes further and tried to sit up a bit and act distracted. A few people noticed and told me the face I made looked like a salamander. Since that day, every time I went out to hit on chicks, people referred to me as “The Salamander.” Six years later, the salamander still lurks.

When I go out to a party, bar, or club, one of my goals is to get laid. Any guy who doesn’t have that goal either 1) has a girlfriend, 2) has a very weak sexual drive, 3) has little trust in the human race and is ultra paranoid of getting an STD, or 4) neutered.

I never carry a “wingman.” This sometimes irritates my friends, but it’s just how I am. I’ve found that too many awkward moments arise with wingmen present. It rarely goes smoothly, overlapping occurs, and girls often appear uncomfortable or angrily committed to “that guy.” Mathematically speaking, having a wingman is like multiplying yourself by your reciprocal, and you end up with very little. But that’s just me. I know of several guys who have had tremendous success by having a wingman. Whatever works.

As I have stated in my “about me” and some previous blogs, I’m not a fan of the conventional “pick up lines” when I go out. Hitting on chicks should be an adventure. No cool girl wants a guy to come up to her and introduce himself, or hold out his hand. Girls really have no clue what kind of guy they’re looking for, but it’s definitely not a hand shaker. In my 6+ years of being single and going to bars and clubs, I’ve learned the following three basic tenants:

1) Girls like talking about themselves (What they’re wearing, their hair, their eyes, their belt, their shoes, their disgusting drink, their hairclip etc).

2) The pick-up lines that are most effective are the ones that she thinks you’ve NEVER said to another girl before.

3) When in doubt, make fun of her

On an average night, I will get rejected about 10-15 times. But I’ve found that if I hit on enough girls, I will more often than not, hook up. When I first began “salamandering” at age twenty-one, I’d have to hit on an average of 25 girls to finally hook up. Over the years, this number has slowly decreased with experience. Today my “over/under” is at about 12, meaning if I hit on 12 girls, one of them will hook up with me. I have several friends who are good looking enough to be around 8, but since they rarely talk to chicks, they rarely hook up. Celebrities–guys like Kobe Bryant or Justin Timberlake–are probably between 1.3 and 20–it’s not fair. But overall everything averages out. Here are my approximate results from the last ten nights out.

0 for 10 (last night)

1 for 9

0 for 2 (the place sucked)

1 for 14

0 for 4 (my friends with girlfriends chose the bars–little options)

2 for 18

1 for 23

0 for 12

1 for 6

0 for 15

Anyway, I sifted through half of my 1,000 or so female myspace friends’ pictures. It was horrible. I have learned there are three types of myspace chicks:

1) The chicks with a variety of pics (solo, them with their friends, them on trips, them at a “25th bday” and so on. I’d probably enjoy their company the most)

2) The chicks with pics of ONLY THEMSELVES (They probably have issues and are probably already offended by this blog, yet decided to keep reading because they habitually lie to themselves.)

3) The chicks who have at least ten pics of some sort of animal (I’m not too sure about these girls, but all signs point to lame)

You will notice that the majority of the girls in these pics are blonde. That’s because the majority of my myspace friends who actually put up “social pics” were blonde. Weird huh. Plus blondes are the best girls to hit on because they have the most entertaining reactions to my lines.

Keep in mind, my lines are based on three things: 1) Their outfit (all of it), 2) Their facial expressions, or 3) Anything or anyone surrounding them that is mysterious or unusual.

My lines aren’t supposed to be “funny.” Their purpose is to spark a reaction and create mystery. More importantly, they serve as sort of a litmus test to weed out all the girls who’d waste my time. But realistically, what I say after these lines is what really matters. After all, any schmoo can pull a clever line. And of the sixty or so chicks I’ve included, statistically my lines would lead to a hook-up with only five of them.

Again, my lines are weird, creepy, and bizarre. They are not clinically proven by anyone. They are not normal. They are not pre-meditated. They just come naturally to me. I’ve heard they are called “shock tactics” or something. But my friends call it “The Salamander Method.” Call it whatever you like.

Before you continue, you may assume that I would say the lines to only the girl mentioned, unless I said otherwise. I rarely talk out loud so their friends can hear.

Here we go…

(To the girl on the left)

Me: I had the best nap today, how are you feeling?

(To the girl in the middle)

Me: Your friend is a mess.

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Your friend is a mess.

Me: Why aren’t you wearing a belt?

(To the girl on the top left)

Me: Are you the type of girl who has like….candles all over their house?

Me: Why are you standing up against this railing trying to look all mysterious?*

(To either of them after they finished with this horrific dance)

Me: You were a good dancer, but it was kinda lame.


(To the girl on the left)

Me: So why the brown sweater?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Is that shirt a small or medium?

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Pocahontas or Pippi Long Stocking?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Pocahontas or Cher?

(To the girl on the left)

Me: I think we’ve hooked up before.*

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Basketball or Volleyball?*

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Your friend doesn’t like pedicures?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: You don’t like pedicures?

Me: So are you wearing those glasses so you can secretly look down guys shirts?

(To the one on the left)

Me: Some guy over there looked at you, and then whispered something in his friend’s ear.

(I wouldn’t hit on the other two. The one on the right is married (see ring finger). The one in the middle obviously has a boyfriend)


(To the girl in the purple hat)

Me: Is your myspace background purple?*

(To the girl on the far right)

Me: Why is your scarf so long? Are you from the midwest?

(To both of them)

Me: Ok a couple things. You’re gonna step on that drink (pointing). Why does her bikini have a lace and hers have a sash?


(To the girl on the left)

Me: Why is your necklace so long?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Swimming or Water Polo?

(To the girl in the middle)

Me: I like your poof. Are you into psychobilly?

(To the girl, second from the right)

Me: I like the glasses, but you are so biting that guy’s style right there.

(To the girl on the far right)

Me: Did you used to referee my sister’s basketball games?

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Kitten, Bunny, or Monkey?

(To the girl in the middle)

Me: Princess or Chicken?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: What are you?

(To both of them)

Me: You two were out of control last night, I saw everything.

Me: Is that pink lemonade or grapefruit juice?

(To the girl on the left)

Me: what is that blue thing?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Uh I don’t think referees are supposed to carry purses around.

(To the blonde girl)

Me: (whispering) Okay, who are these three? One of them looked at me weird. I think you should maybe separate yourself from them for your own safety.

(To the girl on the left)

Me: are you going to the gym, or going to bed?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Where have I seen you before?

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Okay, your belt is cool, but your friend’s belt has a lame button and is way too high.

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Okay, your belt is cool, but your friend’s looks a little too cowboyish.

Me: Why is there a buckle on your hat?

Me: So are those butterflies or beetles on your shirt?

(To the one on the right)

Me: Have you ever seen the movie Batman Returns?

Me: (pointing to the hook at the bottom right) What do you think is the function of this hook?

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Ok, you are holding that drink really delicately. It’s gonna fall.

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Your friend is holding that drink really delicately. It’s gonna fall.

(To the girl on the left)

Me: So do you have nunchucks or a bo staff?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: What’s on your friend’s shirt? Are those butterflies or apples?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Do you have any tatoos?

(To any of them)

Me: Are you like………one of those emo girls.

Me: (making a face) I think you should explore other options.

(To the girl on the left)

Me: I think that hat would look better on you.

Me: I think you missed a button.

Me: There’s like a guy peeing over there. Is that your boyfriend?

Me: What’s on your belt? Is that a flower or a secret stash of something?

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Ok, I’ve noticed you stick your middle finger up everytime you take a sip. It’s not nice.

Me: Uh that’s my cooler. Mind if I grab a beer?

Me: You’re not that dangerous.

Me: You’re not that tough.

Me: (sliding in next to her) So do you have friends here or is this bottle service all for you?

Me: (Doesn’t matter what I say. Too easy)

(To the girl on the left)

Me: So are you like…from the orient?

(The girl on the right looks a little cute, but unfortunately she is wearing the ugliest dress I’ve ever seen. I wouldn’t hit on her)

Me: So I have these theories. Life is all about hanging out with your friends and being twice as hot as the bitch standing next to you. What do you think?

Me: Boy this party really died.

Me: Are you taking a dump?


Me: Can I borrow that plunger?

Me: (Pointing to bracelet) So do you have a red one of these?

Me: I like your reef. You own a kitten don’t you?

(To both of them)

Me: Can I have the rest of that donut?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Let me guess. You got that tattoo less than three months ago.

Me: What’s around your neck? Are those beads or chocolates?

(To the girl on the left. I know I already hit on her, but by now she probably forgot)

Me: So I have these theories. Life is all about hanging out with your friends and being twice as hot as the bitch standing next to you. What do you think?

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Did you used to be a soccer player?

(To the girl in the middle, who looks uncontrollably lame and probably only dressed like that because her friends did. She just copied them)

Me: Were these outfits your idea?

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Did you used to have braces?*

Me: Are you a big fan of Marvel Comics?


(To the two girls on the left)

Me: I went on a date once with your blonde friend. It was soooo lame.

(To the girl on the left)

Me: So do you have tatoos, or do you just look like you do?

(To the girl on the right)

Me: Were you paddling out in Newport last weekend?

Me: I like the way you sip that thing. It says a lot.

(To the girl on the upper left whose face is half visible, and the only one not clawing for attention in the picture, which means she is probably the coolest. Also, I think the tall girl in the middle has to take a major dump)

Me: So out of all your friends, for some reason I felt like I only wanted to talk to you. 

(To the girl on the left)

Me: Were you at Woodstock?

Me: Do you know what the Ocarina of Time is?

The following is the only example I have of me in the process of talking to a chick and eventually hooking up with her. I would like to thank my buddy Fish for providing me with these pics. I have whited myself out because I am so mysterious.

Girls, if I have posted a pic of you on this blog and you want it removed, message me and I will remove it. I will not tell everyone you are lame. I will not reply. I will just secretly take your pic off this blog, and no one will notice. For real.

*Denotes lines I have already used before.

Guys, I wouldn’t try these lines unless they come out naturally when you say them. Girls can sense guys with rehearsed lines the same way a good teacher can catch a cheater. This is just what I would say. And after every night and every hook-up, I had the peace of mind knowing that I did things my way. Sometimes I’d land a hottie; sometimes I’d go 0 for 30. But whatever, Michael Jordan missed the most amount of shots in NBA history. He’s also the greatest player of all time.

But for me, the best part of being a salamander is seeing the reactions on girls’ faces. Nothing could be finer.

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